Yesterday morning Karen picked me up in her sporty little two-seater and we jetted up 101 to the Petaluma outlet mall. The fog broke pretty much as soon as we passed Sausalito, of course.

Outlet malls are strange places. Like fancy thrift stores, you wade through junk and refuse looking for gems. It’s the stuff that wouldn’t or couldn’t sell, or the stuff they overbought. The stuff they ran out of room for. Random things.

We went to Coach first, natch. I didn’t get anything for myself, as I am maxed out on handbags til 2006, heh. I did buy a new bag for my mom though, her first Coach, a small suede soho flap in lavender, with very dark brown leather straps and trim. I hope she’ll like it, it’s the same shape as a bag I have and really like a lot.

After that we went to the Puma store and I almost bought a gay tshirt for my husband, but relented and instead got a black sleeveless T for myself for the gym, and some pants that I ended up returning today since I was awesome and didn’t try them on. THEN we went to discount makeup store, and I found an actual deal on a $18 shu uemura lip gloss: $5.

Fourth shop of the day was Off 5th, the Saks Fifth Avenue outlet, which I didn’t even know existed. I was evil and introduced Karen to the glory of the Marc Jacobs handbag, marked down from $950 to $575, and a thing of beauty and splendor. I also realized that Saks discounts their marked-down Coach bags far, far deeper than Coach itself. I ended up scoring a cute and extremely comfortable cropped velour Juicy hoodie for $40, and a ridiculous DKNY tshirt for $14, which featured a screen print of a waitress serving pancakes, and originally retailed for $45! Though it was made in the United States, so that explains that, sorta.

I was super hungry, so we went to bizarro food court. It was strangely vacant — only one business serving “food” was actually open. The whole thing was totally sketchy; let’s just say my first corndog had to be sent back because it was frozen in the middle, and as I waited an eternity for the second one, I watched as their greasy, nasty grill caught on fire.

Anyway, then on to Gap Outlet, where I really didn’t find much but enjoyed noticing a few styles that I knew were YEARS old. Like a black and grey striped top that I think I bought back in 2000? They still have some of those? Whoa. I found a very cute wool plaid waistcoat which just needs to have the sleeves shortened. The place was absolutely packed with kids and moms and their obnoxiously large strollers. How very sad that these 5 year old children are unable to walk on their own, isn’t it? Oh wait, those strollers were actually being used to hold shopping bags and block the aisles, my bad.

Finally the kitchen store, and more randomness. Karen almost bought a wok, but the ones on the shelves were all scratched up. I got a new acrylic cutting board (our old one is badly scratched), a cookie cooling rack, and a set of four porcelain ramekins with covers, which I intend to use to make mini fruit crisps or creme brulee someday.

By that point we were burnt on the outlet mall. We went back to the car and crammed the trunk full of shopping bags, awesome. Then we drove into Historic Petaluma, hoping to find a nice cold drink.

Petaluma is full of antique stores. We wandered into one — a three-story behemoth that was once a military academy. These are real antiques, nothing like what you can find in SF. But still extremly high prices. I saw a large and solid polished wood French country dining table that would have been loved by my family for generations had I been willing to spend the $2500 to own it. Karen fell in love with a pair of stuffed and gloriously cared-for leather chairs, a mere $8000 investment in a lifetime of comfort, right?

On the second floor there was more to see, more leather chairs and oak tables, and huge marble sinks. On the sunny third floor was a “model kitchen,” pretty much any cook’s dream of vast wide open space, cute drawers and cupboards painted green, and an island in the center as large as my bathroom. I don’t think the six-burner stainless gas stove was an antique.

Finally in the back of the third floor was the Goth Section. Suddenly the drapes were drawn and there were velvet capes hung on the walls, taxidermy everywhere, and black candles on the displays. They even used some of that fake cobweb stuff. Karen, who is a mortician, loved the collection of antique embalming ephemera. It was more randomness for our day up north.

Back out on the street we finally found a cafe. I got an iced latte and we split a lareg chewy ginger cookie as we sat in a tiny park listening to incredibly bad live music. It was getting late though, and time to head back into the fog.

We did well, and can now avoid the outlet mall for a good while, I think. Though there’s always the one in St Helena too, right? Could start my xmas shopping early!