VBAC

December 12, 2011 by Jane

Last night I was awake in bed, as insomnia is part of pregnancy, and I started to visualize the way I want the birth of my next child to proceed. I tried to picture it all, including the pain, perhaps the uncertainty, but also the carrying on, and then the pushing. I saw myself perhaps squatting on the bed as I delivered the baby. I imagined the huge rush of relief and triumph and ecstasy. I had the tiny newborn on my chest, asking that the nurses not clean the baby, or do any other unnecessary meddling, until we had a good long while to lay there together, skin to skin. I wondered if I kept doing this visualization, if it would leave me with less doubt when the day actually comes.

You see, because of the way everything went with Freya, I am unfortunately saddled with the notion that my reproductive system is incapable of handling its most basic duties. For years, we were unable to conceive on our own and required medical intervention to get pregnant. Then her placenta was somewhat abnormal, with the cord inserted on the side rather than in the center. Then I went all the way to 42 weeks without ever going into active labor or dilating past 4 cm. Then the induction failed, then Freya had heart decelerations, then I had a c-section. A doctor was required for us to conceive, and then for her to be born. My body failed (WELL except for the perfect healthy beautiful girl it created).

Of course, ever since then, I have been trying to prove that story wrong. After a very rough start and a lot of determination, I breastfed Freya for over two years — the first eight months of which pretty much exclusively. She has never tasted a drop of formula. So, my body more than did her job there.

Then somehow, we conceived again completely on our own in October. No fertility clinic or tests or catheters for this one. It happened the way it’s supposed to — by chance, in our home. Maybe that’s why it doesn’t feel as real yet?

So this time is different. It has to be. I will fight hard to avoid another abdominal surgery. The exact same rules will apply this time: it won’t happen unless someone is in real peril. I understand that to have my VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), I will need to be extremely well-informed, prepared, confident, positive, and so on. I will be up against a medical profession that will view me as an accident waiting to happen, and possibly as a troublemaker for not just scheduling the c-section like every other woman they see who has already had one. Sorry, but for me, the risks and downsides of another surgery FAAAR outweigh the extremely remote risks of VBAC.

If I were a true badass, I would just go for a homebirth and not have to worry at all about the fight I am in for with the hospital staff. But I can’t deny I am still a bit traumatized by what happened with little unborn Freya, hearing those heart tones drop.

So I will do everything I can to just make sure that Brian and I retain as much power as we can, and hope and hope and hope that my body follows through this time, that labor begins naturally at home, progresses toward the finish line, and lets me push my baby out.

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seven weeks

November 13, 2011 by Jane

Having a shitty cold at the same time one gets pregnant kind of complicates things, makes pregnancy symptoms harder to distinguish, and all around sucks. But this cold seems to FINALLY, after four weeks, be leaving me.

Also getting pregnant at the onset of winter kinda sucks too — it’s dark and cold and damp and bleh and having no energy already is not helped by the season at all. I imagine things would be lots more motivating if it was 80 degrees out and I could take a nice walk or sit outside. That said, the flipside is a lovely back half of the pregnancy spent in spring and early summer — that will be very nice indeed. AND having a newborn all summer instead of all winter will also be excellent. With Freya born at the end of October, I basically hibernated with her throughout her “fourth trimester.” (The fourth trimester is a baby’s first three months or so of life, when they are not yet fully in the world and are happiest when their environment closely resembles the womb, thus the swaddling, babywearing, and attachment to mama at all times.)

It hasn’t totally sunk in yet, but once I feel the first kick, in seven or eight weeks time, I will begin to get to know this baby. I feel that I already am showing, which is to be expected for a second — the skin, muscles, and uterus have been pre-stretched so easily pop back out at the slightest provocation. Also, there’s bloating, and, pre-pregnancy, I was kind of had my little pot tumtum anyways. Now it’s just rounder, and getting steadily firmer. I already want maternity jeans. The open fly and bella band are a drag, and I can’t wear dresses all the time in winter.

Freya has learned to say “Mommy is having another baby in her tummy!!” It is really cute, even though I’m sure she doesn’t really know what she is saying. But I remind her of it a lot, and as the baby grows and she gets more and more understanding, I will talk to her about the baby, take her to my appointments, and let her feel my belly, so that she is prepared and excited for the new addition.

To be honest I am still kind of freaking out and I probably will until the day the new baby arrives. A part of me honestly believed I might never get pregnant again, so I was ready for a life with an only child. Now I must figure out how I will handle a toddler and a baby, how we will get through the day (and night). I envy my friends and their big, close families. We will largely be on our own for this. Thank goodness for those aforementioned friends, who are endlessly supportive and understanding.

Speaking of, my friend Rachel gave birth today to her second daughter. It was a relatively short labor, though I don’t know any other details. She now has a newborn and a nearly 3-year-old, the same boat I will be in next summer. Rachel is incredibly strong, resourceful, and kind. She is awe-inspiring, actually. I know she will be an amazing mother of two, and as she still has her youth, will likely try for a third at some point.

I feel overwhelmed by the thought, but I am also excited and know what I am getting myself into. The baby years will be exhausting and tough, but they pass quickly. I will try to stay positive, to have fun, and above all else, be as patient as I can possibly be.

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haunted room

November 6, 2011 by Jane

Early this morning Kona woke up from a bad dream howling. She also woke the rest of us up of course. I got down beside her in the dark bedroom, hugging and soothing her as she whimpered and cried, poor pup. I could hear Freya talking to Brian, “what’s Kona doing?”

When Kona went back to her bed, I returned to my spot next to Freya, who was of course now awake. She asked for mommy milk. My supply has plummeted since I became pregnant, so we are, sadly, slowly weaning now. No milk at night anymore. I tried to change the subject a bit, and asked if she wanted to hear about the dream I just had.

I dreamed I was sleeping in a room in a house somewhere. I woke up and went to the door, and was surprised to see that it had been locked from the inside with a chain latch. I hadn’t locked it though, and there was no one else with me. I left the room and went down to where other people were. I explained the strange occurrence. In my dream, it was two in the morning and everyone was still up.

I went back to the room and started to open the door. But it felt like there was something in the way, pushing against the door from the other side. I kept pushing and then looked for what was blocking the door, but there was nothing there. I was freaked out, and left again. I went back downstairs and told the people that my room was haunted. But then I had to go up there one last time to get my phone. I went inside and started typing a message on my phone to someone, but then felt a strange presence behind me that was so spooky I just dropped the phone and hurried away. I decided I would sleep on the hide-a-bed sofa, and made some lame joke about “where did they hide the bed?”

I told this dream to Freya, and she replied with “Again?” which is what she often says when we read her books. I should make up stories for her more often.

After that it was time to try to get her to sleep. She suddenly became extremely cuddly, giving hugs and “I love you”s to me and Brian, then finally snuggling tightly to me and slipping off to sleep again.

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here we go again!

November 6, 2011 by Jane

I’ve had this shitty cold for like three weeks, though it seems to now finally be fading. Last week, in the throes of snot and fatigue and coughing (which synced up perfectly with Freya’s birthday, a visit from her Grandma Sandy, and Halloween) I started feeling sick in my stomach, too. I attributed it to the ocean of phlegm I was unfortunately ingesting. Yeah, I know, gross.

Then one morning I woke up early, felt so nauseous and hungry I immediately began eating crackers. At 5am. Later I went downstairs to get my usual cup of coffee and found myself completely ambivalent about it. I figured that maybe it had something to do with my cold, but at this point I was also kind of in denial.

You see, for a few weeks now, whenever Freya has latched on to nurse, it has hurt like HELL. Like we just started for the first time. I was accustomed to a mild form of this around my period, but it didn’t let up. Then, the day my period was supposed to start, it was just a light spotting, and done. Definitely odd.

So at long last on Wednesday afternoon, I peed on a stick. I fled the bathroom and sat nervously on the couch, not sure what exactly I wanted to see, though I already was about 90% sure of the result. I crept back in to check five minutes later and there it was. Positive. I am pregnant.

Prior to my first pregnancy, we tried for over three years to conceive naturally, and finally succumbed to mildly invasive fertility treatments in order to have Freya. I was convinced that I am infertile for whatever reason, and might end up with a single child, though I knew I always wanted two. So this was a shock. It happened easily, less than a year after I started menstruating again following the first pregnancy, and happened on the very first occasion that Brian and I were together during what was (obviously) a “risky” (or fertile) time.

Of course I must remain cautiously optimistic for the next five to seven weeks. But so far, I feel pretty darn pregnant, continuously nauseous and unbelievably tired. This time will be different though. There will be no getting up at 6am every day, trying to avoid puking, and commuting for two hours each way to my office job. There will be no desperation 3pm candy bars because I am stuck at my desk and already ate the snacks I brought from home. There will be no running to catch a ferry or a bus. I can sleep in. I can have healthy food all day. And best of all: I have found a beautiful amazing network of mama friends to give me companionship and support that was sadly lacking the first time around. Plus, I have something else I didn’t have before: experience and confidence.

Doing it while caring for my toddler will be a challenge, but Freya is the light of my life and a joy to be around. I can’t wait to share this with her. I can’t wait to give her the sibling I always wanted to give her.

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autumn

October 19, 2011 by Jane

It has been a perfect October so far, I hope that our indian summer holds out for two more weeks. Yesterday was positively balmy, the sun shining extra-bright from its position low in the sky. We went downtown to enjoy the weather in the afternoon, met up with Evan and Christina and let the two kids play together for a while. It felt like this was what April and May should have been like.

But it’s still crispy cool in the morning and evenings. Last night I made slow-cooked pulled pork for dinner, which Freya thoroughly enjoyed, requesting “more meat” over and over, my little carnivore. And this morning I have prepared a big pot of oatmeal with cinnamon and apples on the stove, which she also loves. A year ago I was so distressed that my baby showed so little interest in solid food. All she needed was time and more teeth.

Brian’s mom is coming for a visit in one week. That is going to be great, and very busy. We will make it out to the pumpkin patch once more. Freya loved the hay bale maze and the draft horses and looking at the chickens. I plan to take her on the horse cart ride around the farm (it’s not too long so she will love it), and get myself a Mexican hot chocolate.

We are looking to join a new gym that has opened in town. It’s very small compared to our previous gym, the SF YMCA, but also lots cheaper. I’m doing the free trial right now. Exercise equipment sure has changed in four years. Each treadmill comes with a personal TV, hooked up to satellite service. I really need to remember earphones next time. Running on a treadmill is extremely dull, so in this case, television is key. It also takes the mind off of the constant OH MY GOD AM I DONE YET HOW MUCH LONGER?? voice in my head.

Okay, 8:00, should probably go get my little girl up. Bye!

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melting

October 8, 2011 by Jane

I lay in bed with Freya early this morning, nursing her back to sleep in the dark. She had an arm and a leg thrown across me as usual. My plan was to delatch her and then go down and pour my cup of coffee. It was almost 7.

Still asleep, she delatched herself. “I wuv you,” she said softly. Then went back to her milk. “I love you too, honey,” I replied, kind of in awe.

Sigh!

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day off

September 30, 2011 by Jane

Tomorrow I’m going to Seattle by myself for the first time since I gave birth to Freya almost two years ago. I’m pretty excited. My plan is a little shopping, and going to see Moneyball. That’s another thing, seeing a movie in a theater by myself, I haven’t done that since we moved to WA, so like over four years ago. And Brian and I have only been to the movies together once since Freya was born. It’s been a long road. But I don’t rejoice at the chance to be away from my baby, I love all the time we’ve gotten to spend together. In fact, she has spent the majority of every single day of her entire life with one person: me. And tomorrow, we’ll be apart for four or five hours.

She will be with her daddy of course. They might go to Seattle, too, and I will think about her and probably fret a little. Can’t help it, it’s a big crowded place and she is just a little boo. I’ll insist she is in her stroller, and not permitted to walk on the sidewalk yet. I don’t think that’s unreasonable for a baby who isn’t even two and still falls down and can’t walk up and down steps yet. Being in a big mass of people is overwhelming enough as it is, why make it worse having to navigate amongst them with short and uncoordinated legs?

Yeah. So clearly I’ll be checking in a lot. Maybe I will sit in the back row at the movie so no one is bothered by the light of my phone? Though it’s more likely I’ll just sneak into the lobby a few times.

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smile

September 26, 2011 by Jane

She will be two in a month. Two years have passed, seemingly quickly and yet it is hard to imagine a time when she wasn’t with us. Our old lives. It has felt like a long time, too.

Freya will reach the age of two and have no idea what Disney is, or what McDonald’s is. She has never eaten candy or swallowed soda pop. She hasn’t yet seen Blue’s Clues or Dora the Explorer or a Pixar movie. She does enjoy listening to the Beatles and Spoon and Coldplay, and knows what baseball and hockey look like, and can sing the Jeopardy! and Sesame Street theme songs, so it’s not like she’s completely isolated.

Anyhoo. Today it rained all day long, so we put on rubber boots and her sweet new denim jacket and ran errands, then danced around on the porch for the benefit of my camera since I found her outfit to be so ridiculously adorable.

I’ve started planning her little party. Autumn leaves, and colors, and miniature pumpkins, and gold glitter, apple cider, leaf-shaped cookie cutters, that’s what I’ve got so far. Her birthday is so close to Halloween, I don’t want her to be stuck with some kind of Halloween-themed birthday party, unless that’s what she wants. Her costume for that day has been chosen — she will be a cute little wood sprite, complete with wings and a tutu, and not a stitch of pink to be found.

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music class

September 13, 2011 by Jane

Summer’s nearly over. But I love fall, a REAL fall, with colored leaves and crisp air and a few sunny days. Sweaters, boots, coats, scarves, and no more sunscreen (except on the face). Plus it means that Freya’s second birthday will soon be here.

I look forward to her third year, when she will begin to master the language, and master the coordination she needs to properly explore the world. Recently we’ve started removing the baby gates that confined her, and letting her run around downstairs, supervised of course. The supervision does get a little exhausting, but it’s so good for her to expand her territory.

She has expanded her vocabulary a lot, started experimenting with “it” and “a” and “the” a little bit. I love being her English teacher. My student is fortunate to be learning in total immersion, of course.

Yesterday we started attending a music class together. It’s a ten-week course, full of singing and free play and little musical instruments. Freya is not yet at and age where she will reliably sit still for extended periods, so she did wander around a bit, but everyone understood, and she had a great time, loved every minute of it. She is already very musical, and likes to sing songs and hear music in the car or at home with me in the morning.

Also she has started sleeping more soundly at night, sometimes without waking at all. I am glad that we reached this point together peacefully and naturally, and that there was no sleep training or forced crying or other methods that I am just not comfortable with, and that’s putting it mildly. Let’s put it this way: it is *not normal* for small infants to sleep through the night. They have a biological imperative to wake to feed, and to wake for safety. It’s part of their brain development. It can be “trained” out of them, yes. But we listened to our instincts, and learned about the negative impact of altering a baby’s natural sleep patterns, and chose to do it this way. Yes, I woke frequently with my baby. And that sucked sometimes. But I put her first. And now she’s a sleepy little sleeper, and I hope that she remains that way throughout life, and isn’t burdened by the insomnia I have had for as long as I remember.

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fall clothes

August 25, 2011 by Jane

I took Freya shopping for clothes this week <3 . The first of many times I'm sure. We were looking for fall clothing in size 2T -- most of what she fits in right now is spring/summer size 18 months, and she's rapidly outgrowing it. We visited Target, Macy's, and Gymboree, and I am pretty sure everything I bought her was either on sale/clearance, or on the cheap side. I think the rest of her fall wardrobe will be purchased secondhand.

Here are a few of the tops I found for her:

It was hard to get away from pepto pink and ugly, tacky polka dots on everything, but I think we did pretty well all things considered. One of the best shirts I found was a simple long sleeved top in a dark periwinkle blue. And the biggest change was that I didn’t purchase a single onesie.

Today is hot, tomorrow will be too. We’re headed to the county fair in the morning, where Freya will get to see cows and bunnies up close for the first time.

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