belly

March 16, 2012 by Jane

Entering the final trimester, my belly seems to have really had a growth spurt this past week or two. It will soon eclipse my bust in circumference, and now I simply can’t zip up any of my warmer jackets, which kinda sucks as winter is still very much in season here.

I refuse to buy a new coat that I know I will only wear for a month, so layering sweaters it is.

Baby is active at all hours, which is great. Last night I could visually detect some of her movement on my bump’s surface through my shirt as I sat on the couch. Soon I will get to show Freya her little sister moving around. She is pretty excited about this whole thing, though I know the full impact won’t really hit her until we bring her sister home and she realizes that babies need a lot of attention. We’ll try hard to balance this shift as well as we can. I think it will be important to just include Freya in the baby’s care as much as we’re able and let her feel like she is helping out. She loves to help us and participate already.

It’s amazing the things she remembers. She does confuse details and might even fabricate a few things, but mostly she remembers well even things that happened months ago. For example last summer at the park we watched a butterfly resting on one of the slides. In early winter we went back to the park and she told Brian that there was a butterfly there, pointing at the slide. And last night she told me a story about how she was crying in the car when she was a baby and Mommy went in the house to get something and then came back and gave her a hug. I’m not sure what she is referring to here, my memory is probably not as strong as hers, but I’m just better at articulating it.

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big eater

March 15, 2012 by Jane

Last night we decided to go out for dinner. Freya has always been great in restaurants, thank goodness. We went to one of our favorite spots, Mor Mor, known for its local gourmet food.

A year ago we were still bringing her puree pouches and little bags of Cheerios out to restaurants, but she has come a very long way, especially in the last few weeks even (I suspect a growth spurt). We ordered for her the house-made mac and cheese. While we waited, she tried some bread with olive oil and balsamic, and had some goat cheese from my spinach salad (she adores the chevre).

I ordered meatballs with whipped potatoes and broccolini, and Brian got salmon with asparagus and lentil salad. Freya dug into her pasta, and shared a lot of Brian’s dinner, too. She is thankfully willing to try just about anything at least once.

After dinner I had to order the special house-made “ding dong”, like the Hostess treat except a billion times better. Brian and I split it and let Freya have some whipped cream and a taste of the chocolate cake. She also had a small cup of milk, while we had our coffees.

Before we left the table, she was starting to make these little moaning noises, and I realized that she had actually overeaten and now had a tummyache, poor lamb. I think that’s a first. She was all better by the time we got home and into a nice warm bubble bath.

It seems like it took so long for her palate to mature, but I am glad I was patient, didn’t rush her too much, and never gave her stuff like rice cereal. She has her likes and dislikes like anyone else, but more or less eats a diverse diet. Not a fan of red meat yet, but loves fish and occasionally chicken, especially when it’s part of a soft taco. One of her favorite things to eat is Daddy’s scrambled eggs, or Mommy’s pancakes, and she’s a fan of almost all fruit.

I’m already dreaming of when she is old enough to help me cook and bake. Now that is going to be fun.

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nesting

March 14, 2012 by Jane

I am either nesting, or under a hard deadline for Freya to be in her own bedroom. A bit of both. Anyway we’ve been slacking for a while on getting her room ready for her and I decided early April is when it will be fully painted, furnished, and ready for her to sleep in. We have been discussing it daily, and she is pretty excited about it.

Her bed frame was purchased a full year ago and remains boxed up in the garage. Last week I finally sold my old bed, which was our queen-sized guest bed. Goodbye old pal. Our new baby was conceived there, TMI. But I try not to get sentimental about incredibly large objects. It also has some not so nice memories attached, like the fact that when I bought it in SF I was with my evil ex. But then again, it was also the first real grownup bed I ever bought. Anyway. Kind of nice then that the money I got for it was used to purchase Freya’s new mattress, which was delivered Monday and is also in the garage. “My new bed!!” says Freya when she sees it.

Some paint is on the walls — a dusty pink so far, to be complemented by chocolate brown behind the bed frame. So once the paint is all done and dry, the mattress goes on the floor, fitted with pretty new sheets, and Freya can start taking her naps in there. Her closet needs to be taken apart — removing the doors and shelving and pushing her dresser inside to free up floor space in the room.

I’ve been obsessing over curtains for weeks now, and finally have narrowed down fabric choices. A talented seamstress friend has offered to sew the panels for me. I’m putting up tab-top panels on the window, and then the closet will get coordinating drapes as well. These are the two I love:

I was searching endlessly on etsy for handmade curtains but either couldn’t find a suitable print, or did find one I loved but the seller wanted HUNDREDS of dollars to make it. Two square panels, not even lined. Yeah. I backed away from that.

SO. Freya will finally have her own room, her own space. I really want to make it a place she loves to spend time in, play in, and sleep in. I want it to be all hers, with none of our junk taking up space. Baby comes in (OMG) three months or so, and I just can’t co-sleep with a newborn and a two-year-old, at least not all night anyway. We’ll figure it out as we go, but we will need that room to be Freya’s so that if needed, Brian can go sleep in her bed with her (it’s a full sized mattress).

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mainstream

March 14, 2012 by Jane

We’ve been going to a “gymnastics” class on Tuesdays. It’s pretty much a bunch of two and three year olds running around like maniacs on the various stations: balance beam, rope swing, tumbling mats, and a short bar to swing on.

Freya is the only girl. I assumed a gymnastics class would be full of little girls, but no. So, it’s a bunch of screaming boys, all older and bigger then her, running and jumping and launching themselves over things and crying and having tantrums. It’s great. Freya is funny; whenever a boy is having some kind of meltdown, she just watches him quietly with this look on her face of curiosity. She has never behaved like that in public (yeah I know, wait for three).

Anyway there’s this one mom and little boy there who have quite a contentious relationship. He’s probably three and very high energy. He screams “NO” at her a lot, and isn’t very interested in taking turns on the equipment. Every time, this results in mom dragging him over to the chairs for a time out, where he sobs and she doesn’t touch him and just tells him how bad he is. Then by the end of class, usually he has some other kind of tantrum over something, and I get to overhear the mom listing off the punishments he has coming, no TV (or more specifically this week, no TV in the car), etc.

It’s hard for me to watch and overhear this going on every time. I feel bad for this little boy. He needs to be hugged, he needs someone to tell him his feelings are being heard and understood, that sometimes it’s hard to learn how to share. He needs some empathy and compassion, instead he gets threats and frequent time outs. I understand that it’s hard when kids are at that age. Freya is not perfect (no one is); she has her moments when she chases the cat or throws her toys or cries because she’s busy with something and we decide it’s time to do something else. But when these things happen and we aren’t pleased with her behavior, we keep our voices calm, explain what she is doing that is not okay, or redirect her to something else. I want her to know she has boundaries, but she will also be respected, and listened to. Toddlers just do not handle their emotions the way we do.

I can’t articulate this all as well as others could. I just know it’s hard for me to watch a three-year-old kid being continually punished in this way. I’m sure it’s always been this way for him, and it won’t change. The mom is pregnant as well, a little behind me. She has already decided on a repeat c-section, based on some advice she got somewhere, not on any kind of medical need. She’s the norm, she is mainstream parenting in America.

My friends who practice natural/attachment parenting have, in general, the most calm, polite, and friendly children I know. They have creative solutions to tantrums and meltdowns. It is so, so important. We are raising future adults, right? We want more nice, loving, compassionate people in the world. It sounds like hyperbole, I know, but it really does start at birth.

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mommy milk

March 14, 2012 by Jane

Last night Freya and I were laying in bed and she said, “Is there any mommy milk?” She last nursed on Christmas day.

We stopped because pregnancy was causing excruciating pain when she nursed, as well as a lowered supply. Also we were at the point where she only nursed to go to bed, which is perfectly fine and natural for a two-year-old, and I suspect that had I not become pregnant, we might even still be nursing once a day. It’s a wonderful way to relax and connect and she of course was still getting some benefits from my immunity (her first real cold occurred last month).

I said, no, there isn’t any mommy milk right now. Freya then told me that when the baby comes, she will share the mommy milk with her. I smiled, wondering if it’s possible that she could restart. Latching is a skill though, and after seven months, it’s unlikely she’ll be able to do it again.

I really loved nursing with her and I’m so grateful that I will have the chance to breastfeed another baby. The difference will be profound. I have two years of experience now. Before I had Freya, I thought I might do it for a year, then “wean her.” Now I know I will nurse this baby for a minimum two years, then stop when she is ready to stop, which could be a year after that, who knows. But I won’t get pregnant again, so this time it will look different when it’s time to stop.

Grateful to give this gift to my daughters, and to myself too. Four to five years of breastfeeding for me means healthier boobs and drastically lowered cancer risk. And it means the same for my girls, too. Amazing.

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sweet

March 14, 2012 by Jane

Freya sits on her potty chair, holding her big teddy bear in her lap. “I’ve got you, I’ve got you,” she says soothingly, over and over.

She carries the bear to our leather ottoman, then finds her yellow baby blanket and spreads it over the bear, tucking her in. Lately she has been all about tucking in her dolls under blankets, and also sleeping under blankets herself for the first time (she always hated covers before).

I just love watching her play gently with her dolls, talking softly to them. She’s become such a sweet little girl.

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winter continues

March 14, 2012 by Jane

The dog started barking at quarter to two this morning, waking me up from a dream. She went back to sleep, but I was awake for over three hours. I really don’t know when I went back to sleep, but it was close to 5am I think.

Heartburn has been terrible. Stabbing pain under my ribs, always at night. I’ve been taking Zantac but I don’t think it’s doing anything. I can’t sleep sitting up because it hurts my tailbone and Freya wouldn’t stand for it either, she likes being cuddled to sleep, and unfortunately laying on my side produces the worst pain. So I suck it up and deal.

Then I lay on my back and feel baby kick me gently. I haven’t had time to really sit with her and connect the way I did with Freya. I now have a two-year-old who needs much of my attention, so while I do notice the baby inside, it’s not like we have long stretches of time to just sit and think, like I did when I was commuting long ago.

Today the weather is grim and cold and awful, again. Snow with no hope of accumulation, so no fun at all. The weather, hormones, darkness, etc, are all making me feel lonely. Doesn’t seem to be much I can do about any of it. Freya makes me happy always, though, and so does Brian. So grateful to have my little family.

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slacker

March 13, 2012 by Jane

I seriously need to update my blog regularly again, especially as I am pregnant and have a lot going on and as soon as my new daughter arrives (yes, it’s a girl!) it’s not like I’ll have time anymore for a while with two little ones to care for full time. Though I know I can knock something out in five spare minutes… Also I think my stuff is better served here than on Facebook, where most of the time I feel like I am just talking to myself.

So, hi. Sorry for the absence. I will try to do better. Can you believe I used to update this daily?? Wow.

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VBAC

December 12, 2011 by Jane

Last night I was awake in bed, as insomnia is part of pregnancy, and I started to visualize the way I want the birth of my next child to proceed. I tried to picture it all, including the pain, perhaps the uncertainty, but also the carrying on, and then the pushing. I saw myself perhaps squatting on the bed as I delivered the baby. I imagined the huge rush of relief and triumph and ecstasy. I had the tiny newborn on my chest, asking that the nurses not clean the baby, or do any other unnecessary meddling, until we had a good long while to lay there together, skin to skin. I wondered if I kept doing this visualization, if it would leave me with less doubt when the day actually comes.

You see, because of the way everything went with Freya, I am unfortunately saddled with the notion that my reproductive system is incapable of handling its most basic duties. For years, we were unable to conceive on our own and required medical intervention to get pregnant. Then her placenta was somewhat abnormal, with the cord inserted on the side rather than in the center. Then I went all the way to 42 weeks without ever going into active labor or dilating past 4 cm. Then the induction failed, then Freya had heart decelerations, then I had a c-section. A doctor was required for us to conceive, and then for her to be born. My body failed (WELL except for the perfect healthy beautiful girl it created).

Of course, ever since then, I have been trying to prove that story wrong. After a very rough start and a lot of determination, I breastfed Freya for over two years — the first eight months of which pretty much exclusively. She has never tasted a drop of formula. So, my body more than did her job there.

Then somehow, we conceived again completely on our own in October. No fertility clinic or tests or catheters for this one. It happened the way it’s supposed to — by chance, in our home. Maybe that’s why it doesn’t feel as real yet?

So this time is different. It has to be. I will fight hard to avoid another abdominal surgery. The exact same rules will apply this time: it won’t happen unless someone is in real peril. I understand that to have my VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), I will need to be extremely well-informed, prepared, confident, positive, and so on. I will be up against a medical profession that will view me as an accident waiting to happen, and possibly as a troublemaker for not just scheduling the c-section like every other woman they see who has already had one. Sorry, but for me, the risks and downsides of another surgery FAAAR outweigh the extremely remote risks of VBAC.

If I were a true badass, I would just go for a homebirth and not have to worry at all about the fight I am in for with the hospital staff. But I can’t deny I am still a bit traumatized by what happened with little unborn Freya, hearing those heart tones drop.

So I will do everything I can to just make sure that Brian and I retain as much power as we can, and hope and hope and hope that my body follows through this time, that labor begins naturally at home, progresses toward the finish line, and lets me push my baby out.

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seven weeks

November 13, 2011 by Jane

Having a shitty cold at the same time one gets pregnant kind of complicates things, makes pregnancy symptoms harder to distinguish, and all around sucks. But this cold seems to FINALLY, after four weeks, be leaving me.

Also getting pregnant at the onset of winter kinda sucks too — it’s dark and cold and damp and bleh and having no energy already is not helped by the season at all. I imagine things would be lots more motivating if it was 80 degrees out and I could take a nice walk or sit outside. That said, the flipside is a lovely back half of the pregnancy spent in spring and early summer — that will be very nice indeed. AND having a newborn all summer instead of all winter will also be excellent. With Freya born at the end of October, I basically hibernated with her throughout her “fourth trimester.” (The fourth trimester is a baby’s first three months or so of life, when they are not yet fully in the world and are happiest when their environment closely resembles the womb, thus the swaddling, babywearing, and attachment to mama at all times.)

It hasn’t totally sunk in yet, but once I feel the first kick, in seven or eight weeks time, I will begin to get to know this baby. I feel that I already am showing, which is to be expected for a second — the skin, muscles, and uterus have been pre-stretched so easily pop back out at the slightest provocation. Also, there’s bloating, and, pre-pregnancy, I was kind of had my little pot tumtum anyways. Now it’s just rounder, and getting steadily firmer. I already want maternity jeans. The open fly and bella band are a drag, and I can’t wear dresses all the time in winter.

Freya has learned to say “Mommy is having another baby in her tummy!!” It is really cute, even though I’m sure she doesn’t really know what she is saying. But I remind her of it a lot, and as the baby grows and she gets more and more understanding, I will talk to her about the baby, take her to my appointments, and let her feel my belly, so that she is prepared and excited for the new addition.

To be honest I am still kind of freaking out and I probably will until the day the new baby arrives. A part of me honestly believed I might never get pregnant again, so I was ready for a life with an only child. Now I must figure out how I will handle a toddler and a baby, how we will get through the day (and night). I envy my friends and their big, close families. We will largely be on our own for this. Thank goodness for those aforementioned friends, who are endlessly supportive and understanding.

Speaking of, my friend Rachel gave birth today to her second daughter. It was a relatively short labor, though I don’t know any other details. She now has a newborn and a nearly 3-year-old, the same boat I will be in next summer. Rachel is incredibly strong, resourceful, and kind. She is awe-inspiring, actually. I know she will be an amazing mother of two, and as she still has her youth, will likely try for a third at some point.

I feel overwhelmed by the thought, but I am also excited and know what I am getting myself into. The baby years will be exhausting and tough, but they pass quickly. I will try to stay positive, to have fun, and above all else, be as patient as I can possibly be.

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