Hey friends! Thinking of moving to San Francisco and living the American dream of owning a home? You better start buying lottery tickets.

Just got this report in the mail from Pacific Union real estate on median home prices, broken down by neighborhood in SF.

Let’s first look at the city’s “worst” areas. Bayview/Hunter’s Point, out by the toxic waste dumps. Lots of crime, little charm, very few services, plenty of public housing projects. Factories, freeways, railroad tracks, you get it. Average single family home? Just four hundred thousand dollars! Yes, almost a half a mil to live in the slums.

Ok let’s go the other direction, to the poshest, whitest, others would consider “worst” neighborhood in all the city. The Marina. Well, if you want to buy a regular three-bedroom single family home there, you are going to have to beg your lender for two million dollars. No, I am not talking about a palatial mansion. Those will run you more like six million.

And what about the Haight-Ashbury? You know, where tourists flock, along with many, many homeless drug addicts and hippies? This neighborhood is nothing special, kind of touristy, pretty dirty, very loud, and so on. Do you have $1.1 million? You’re set.

Looking at ths list, I see no average price that is reasonable or fair. The citywide average looks to be hovering near $600k. That will buy you a 2-bedroom, 1-bath in some of these places. Stupid.

Meanwhile, in most cities, you can get a nice four-bedroom, two-bathroom home with a yard and a garage for about $250,000. But you don’t get to live in the Greatest City Humanity Has Ever Known, San Francisco!