YAY FOR CELEBRITY COUPLINGS, MAKING LIFE WORTH LIVING
“Sex and the City” babe Kim Cattrall has landed herself another actor — she’s started dating Bruce Willis.
The unnaturally blonde sexpot, 46, split from third husband Mark Levinson earlier this year but, despite saying recently she was looking for a boy toy, she’s gotten together with the “Moonlighting” star, who by the way is 48 and in no way a boy any longer.
Kim met Bruce at a party held by Sean Combs in July and the pair have been spotted out on dinner dates together. People who go out to dinner together are fucking; just ask Colin Farrell.
A pal of Willis says, “He’s quietly but intensely romancing Kim. He is a quiet and intense guy. And man does she have a rockin bod for a lady of her age. Score.”
The actor split from Demi Moore in 1998. And in case you hadn’t heard this yet, Demi is dating baby-faced Ashton Kutcher. Shhh, they are keeping that on the down low!
UNCOMFORTABLE PERSONAL BUSINESS AIRED TO A WORLDWIDE AUDIENCE
Pornstar-lookalike Britney Spears has lashed out at ex-boyfriend Justin Timberlake for gossiping about their break-up. Rumor has it he is the first person in years to tell other people stories about his prior relationship. It’s shocking.
While many theories arose in many scientific journals about the reasons behind their breakup — including accusations Spears cheated on Timberlake — the pop himbo spoke about their failed relationship in interviews and used a Britney lookalike in his “Cry Me a River” video. Though that could have been another pornstar-lookalike, to be quite honest.
In an exclusive interview with Britain’s Elle magazine, Britney rants, “Horrible. You know what I mean? It was hard for me that he was so exploitative. I’ve never been so exploited in my life. In that way. Every interview that he did, he was talking about us in such an open way and I just felt, ‘Is nothing sacred any more?’ And then I wondered if he was gay. Or maybe he is still in love with me. God it’s so pathetic. He wasn’t even all that in bed, either. One-minute man. Print that.”
Spears then ended the interview so that she could make it to her next semi-nude photo shoot.
MONEY IS HARD MAKE BRAIN HURT MUST PUNCH ATTORNEYS
Unmedicated psychopath Mike Tyson has filed for bankruptcy in order to untangle his complicated finances.
The troubled bully is thought to have amassed around $400 million during his career but legal wrangles (like all that time in prison for rape), divorces and a lavish lifestyle have left him struggling to make ends meet.
Tyson — who is facing an assault charge after allegedly being involved in an unorganized fight with no paid spectators, tv coverage, or purse — is taking former promoter Don King to court in September. Tyson claims King cheated him out of earning millions after he left prison and resumed working for him. Most in the fair and honest boxing world are flabbergasted at the charge that a promoter would cheat his fighters.
Tyson’s attorney Debra Grassgreen says, “As a professional fighter, who relied on others to manage his affairs, he discovered that his debts far exceeded his assets. Now, he has taken the lead in bringing order to his financial affairs. Sorry for the garbled legalese, it’s my job to talk this way.”
NATIONAL ENQUIRER TAKES IT UP A NOTCH
The National Enquirer has demanded Hollywood liability Ben Affleck take a lie detector test after he denied enjoying a wild night at a lap dancing club.
The “Gigli” “star” was livid when he read the magazine’s expose of his alleged trip to a Vancouver strip club.
And Affleck, who has furiously denied the allegation he cheated on his stunning fiance in the strip joint, is considering taking the Enquirer to court — a move welcomed by the publication’s editors.
In a statement on its web site, the Enquirer says, “The Enquirer’s sources for this shocking story were given lie-detector tests by a top independent polygrapher — and the sources passed the test! Now, the Enquirer is challenging Ben to do what we required of our sources for this article: Take a lie-detector test.
“BRING IT ON, BEN!” they then giggled with glee.
LANCE BASS AND PARIS HILTON: WILL THEY SHARE A BRAIN ONE DAY?
Lance Bass has been making the dreams of secret girlfriend Paris Hilton come true — she was a huge fan of his before they even met. Lance finally agreed to break his big rule, the one shared by Corey Feldman, which was never to date a fan.
Freeloading stick insect Paris, 20, loved Lance’s “work” with the boy band, and the pair have now reportedly started sleeping together after being grotesquely miscast in a film adaptation of classic American novel “The Great Gatsby,” due for release next year. The corpse of F. Scott Fitzgerald is said to be doing an endless series of backflips in his grave at this very moment.
A pal reveals, “Paris had a huge crush on Lance when he was in the band.
“They were finally introduced at a party in Los Angeles a few months ago and since then they have been joined at the hip. Literally. It’s obscene, but Paris really has no shame. One wonders what she would do if she had no money.
“Get a job, I guess.”
ICE-T NOT SELLING ICED TEA
Aging pimp and refreshing beverage Ice-T is launching his own brand of malt liquor this month — much to the objection of many of his hip-hop contemporaries.
Several rap conspiracy theorists, including Chuck D, have accused the liquor industry of putting mind-altering substances, besides alcohol of course ha ha, into malt liquor. Like that chemical the white man has developed to keep a brother down. Besides alcohol.
However, Ice-T has an alternative for those who are troubled by his malt drink Royal Ice — he will also be launching his energy beverage Liquid Ice at a party in New York Tuesday.
The musician/actor explains with this empty cliche, “A true hustler needs energy to keep his game tight.”
Contrary to widespread reports, Liquid Ice is not “just water.”
COLIN FARRELL: MAN, I WISH I HAD FUCKED HER
Hollywood flavor-of-the-month Colin Farrell has denied romancing Britney Spears — insisting he had no idea he’d cause a “media frenzy” after being pictured with the pop tart.
The womanizing hell-raiser claims he only met the singer moments before the January New York premiere of his film “The Recruit,” when she was drinking in the same bar as he and his friends — even though pictures of them appeared all over the world the next day, prompting reports of romance among those desperate for celebrity DNA exchanges.
He explains, “I was sitting in a hotel with 25 or 30 of my family and friends who came over from Dublin, and she’s talking to someone in the corner with her friends. I’m going, ‘Isn’t this dandy? We’re all having drinks before the premiere. I love drinking.’
“We then go to the premiere, the limo door opens, we all get out, and it was a media frenzy I shall probably only experience two or three more times in my life.”
Naive Colin admits, “I honestly didn’t think that would happen. It’s not that I’m dumb. I just don’t think sometimes. Plus I was pretty off my face at that point.”
KEITH RICHARDS IS LUCKY TO BE UNDEAD
Rolling Stones fossil Keith Richards would hate to declare himself free of drink or drugs — but knows there is a fine line between recreation and addiction, and that he has stepped about four hundred miles over that line.
The 59-year-old addict has a well-recorded history of drug abuse, but following his 24th recovery from heroin addiction he says he now only uses narcotics in moderation. Which is what all junkies say.
When asked if he was completely clean now, prematurely-embalmed Keith asserted, “Never!
“Not since I first tasted it. I mean, my father said to me, ‘Keith, there’s a difference between scratching your arse and tearing it to bits.’ I’ve always borne that in mind.
“I do drink through the day, but I don’t wake up in the morning and get stoned right away. I wait about twenty minutes after my first cigarette. I like to work my way in, but I can take it or leave it. I guess it’s because of the pure heroin that courses through my entire bloodstream. The docs say my body is 64% drugs at this point.
“It’s a damn good thing I’m filthy rich, otherwise it might get tough to score. Signing that pact with Satan has been a big help, too. I’ll bury you all!” he exclaimed, indicating the rest of his bandmates.
Disclaimer (do not sue me): Satire. For entertainment purposes only.