BEN’S LOVE OF LADIES UNDERPANTS

Ben Affleck is a huge fan of teensy-tiny thong underwear, according to a flustered hotel chambermaid who says she caught him unawares.

The unnamed woman — whom we did not totally invent — works at a hotel in Atlanta, where Jennifer Lopez and her strapping stallion of a fiance were staying, and says that when she walked in to clean their room without even knocking, she came face to face with Affleck’s stringy knickers choice — and J-Lo’s infamous temper.

The maid reveals to Britain’s Heat magazine, “As a hotel maid I see a lot of things, but I never once expected to walk in on Ben Affleck wearing an itsy-bitsy black thong. Okay, maybe once.

“The worst thing was that Jen was there and she didn’t seem to mind one bit that he prefers flossing his ass to regular men’s boxer shorts. Maybe he was wearing her panties? Maybe they have some sick little role-playing thing they do? I don’t know. I’m just a lowly chambermaid.”

The stunned cleaner continues, “Jen was not impressed that I had stumbled in on them. Perhaps she was embarrassed that her husband-to-be’s underwear is more feminine than hers? Or perhaps I should stop just barging into the suites without knocking first. Who can say.

“Anyway, after they left, I re-enacted a famous scene from one of J-Lo’s movies and went back in the room to borrow one of her Prada suits for the afternoon. Unfortunately, it did not cause a millionaire to fall hopelessly in love with me, but it did get me fired.”

OF COURSE IT WOULD BE OK FOR ASHTON TO DATE TEENAGED GIRLS

Friends of Demi Moore say the actress is concerned about the amount of hate mail she is receiving from the deluded fans of her younger lover Ashton Kutcher.

The actress, AGED FORTY, has been dating Ashton, AGED TWENTY-FIVE, for several months and has been sent letters by his pubescent fans accusing her of being a “cradle snatcher” and warning her to dump him “or else.”

One pal of the actress says, “She keeps trying to tell herself that most of the letters are from teenage girls, so she knows how possessive and locked into their hormonal fantasies they can get. But it does get hard at times, living in fear of a thirteen-year-old girl who would be thrown in jail for that behavior if she were ten years older and a man.”

DRUNKEN MICK DANCES ROUND HIS POT OF GOLD

Samuel L. Jackson was staggered with Colin Farrell’s “professionalism” on the set of the movie “S.W.A.T.” — because the hellraiser turned up inebriated many mornings, just like legendary “professional” Marilyn Monroe.

Recovering alcoholic Jackson refused to join the drunken Irishman on his late-night binges, and he was constantly amazed with his co-star’s ability to work through a hangover and not get fired.

He says, “There were days when a car pulled up in the morning, two people came round to the side of the car and pulled Colin out of the car and carried him into the trailer.

“But, by the time they said, ‘places,’ he was up and ready to go. He’s great. Those Irish sure can hold their liquor. He probably loves potatoes, too.”

LET US NEVER SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN

Multi-million dollar advertisements for embarrassment “Gigli” are being pulled by disappointed studio Sony Pictures.

The movie has been a complete box office disaster and Sony has replaced the pre-booked TV ad slots with teasers for its more successful yet equally asinine film “Bad Boys II.”

Cinema chains are obliged to show “Gigli” for the next two weeks, but have already relegated to it to the smallest screens at the multiplexes, where it can be assumed it will only be seen by J-Lo and Ben’s most dedicated crazed stalkers.

Following awful reviews, “Gigli” took just $3.7 million over the weekend, putting it in eighth place at the box office.

Gigli cost $54 million in production costs and $22 million in advertising bills, although — like all movies — it will somehow make money on TV and cable network deals and video sales.

JUST BECAUSE WE PRINT IT MEANS THAT IT IS NOW TRUE

Formerly hot couple Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake are mulling over a $4.8 million offer to get back together — for a series of TV “adverts” for “fashion store” Gap. We just pulled that number out of our asses by the way.

The singers, whose relationship came to a bitter end last year, are in secret talks together to star in the glossy promotions, in spite of the fact that Britney apparently hates Justin’s guts. So secret that, in fact, employees at Gap have heard absolutely nothing about it. So secret that the talks are taking place between Britney and her secret diary.

Some guy we met at a club last night tells Britain’s Daily Star newspaper, “The entire world followed the Britney-Justin romance and getting them together in a television commercial will get the world talking again. And by the entire world I mean a few million twelve-year-old girls and several hundred publicists.”

And it seems the stunning stunner isn’t averse to the idea of a televised reconciliation. She reportedly told a pal, “I think it would be so cool. To get two million dollars. As long as I didn’t have to have any actual contact with that prick.”

MICK JAGGER CAN’T SING

Dirty old man Mick Jagger has fallen ill with laryngitis — forcing the Rolling Stones to suspend a concert in the Spanish holiday resort town of Benedryl. Or rather, Benidorm.

The concert was set for Monday and was part of the Stones’ “Pay For Our Aspen Homes” tour. It had been expected to attract some 30,000 suckers.

The Stones have already played sold-out shows in Madrid, Barcelona, and Bilbao as part of the tour.

Keith Richards was seen to be laughing in Mick’s general direction while swigging from a bottle of vodka and smoking two cigarettes as Jagger left to see his voice doctor around 9am.

SHOPPING ADDICT ALSO ADDICTED TO ATTENTION, DOES NOT SEEK HELP

Debt-ridden egomaniac Michael Jackson’s money was much-welcomed at a Florida bookstore over the weekend when he spent a reported $10,000 on the usual crap.

The middle-aged King of Plastic was mobbed by hundreds of rubberneckers as he visited Waldenbooks in Miami. One finds it sad that someone as wealthy and well-traveled as this could do no better than a low-grade shopping mall bookstore. It couldn’t possibly have been that he was out seeking some staged publicity? Not possible! say zillions of his unfortunate and misinformed Eastern European fans.

While he was closely guarded by security inside the store, Jackson was swarmed by Japanese tourists as he was escorted to his car. And Jackson’s admirers weren’t left completely empty-handed — the formerly black singer managed to squeeze some autographed sheets of paper through the top of his car window before being whisked away like the Queen of France.

GRUNGE REALLY TRULY DEAD NOW FOR REAL

Nirvana bassist Krist Novoselic is quitting music because he feels like an alien in the industry.

The musician has worked with two new bands, Sweet 45 and Eyes Adrift, since Nirvana frontman Kurt Cobain committed suicide in April 1994, but both have broken up. And now Novoselic is convinced he is no longer able to continue making music.

He laments, “I can’t deal. I can’t read the magazines, listen to the radio or watch music television without feeling like I’ve just come in from outer space.” Those close to Krist have attempted to assure him that this just means he has “good taste.”

Novoselic continues, “Nirvana stuff only goes so far for myself. I was in the band and I made the music, but life goes on, and people change and they get older.

“My lot in life is that every band I’ve ever been in just falls apart. I wish I could say the same for Mick Jagger, actually.”

Disclaimer (do not sue me): Satire. For entertainment purposes only.