NEPOTISM RIDES AGAIN
Big-bootied celebrity Jennifer Lopez is turning to talk shows in a bid to expand her business portfolio — and her own sister Lynda will take on hosting duties for the proposed venture.
Lopez is developing a new series which hopes to be a younger, hipper version of American ratings winner “The View.” With any luck, millions of young, hip people who stay home sick from work will be watching.
Miss Diva will not just remain behind the scenes either, she will appear on the show from time to time, such as when ratings are sagging to sub-Montel levels.
Bill Carroll, vice president of consulting company Katz Television Group, believes that Lopez’s name is good enough to guarantee interest — despite the critical mauling she has just received for her appearance in “Jiggly.”
Carroll comments, “Every major star would admit in candid moments that they’ve had a few bombs in their career. Look at Paulie Shore, for instance. People are going to be interested in a show with her name attached to it. Especially if it’s a complete train wreck.
“Plus when it tanks, she can just blame Lynda.”
NO, I WANT TO PRODUCE A TALK SHOW! BITCH!
Britney Spears shocked shoppers in Beverly Hills this week by trying on dozens of outfits in the middle of a clothing store.
The singer went on a spree with her mother Lynne and a pal — and was so eager to snap up some new outfits she eschewed the changing rooms to try on clothes in the middle of the store.
An onlooker says, “Britney raised a few eyebrows by trying on dozens of outfits on the shop floor. She bought at least six dresses and tops and looked like she hadn’t had so much fun in a long time. It must be hard having fun when you’re a world-famous millionaire who doesn’t even check price tags.”
In other “news” about the Mousketeer, Britney is in negotiations to take over from retired Rosie O’Donnell as America’s new daytime chat queen. Sorry ladies, she won’t be coming out of the closet!
The baby-voiced singer is interested in an executive producing role on a daily syndicated talk show, which she will occasionally appear on when the mood strikes her, or when J.Lo is appearing on her chat show.
There are no details as to who will be hosting the show, but sources say it’s a tossup between her little sister and Anna Kournikova.
BEYONCE WOULD RATHER DIE THAN BE FAT AND UGLY
Foxy Beyonce Knowles admits she constantly battles to keep her body in shape — because she’s a “natural fat person.”
The Destiny’s Child star steers clear of carbohydrates and chocolate and puts herself through agonizing exercise routines to prevent her stomach from expanding — but makes sure to keep that backside round.
She says, “I am a natural fat person, just dying to get out. I go through agonies to keep my stomach as flat as possible — though it is never flat enough for me. God help me should I ever have a baby! That would cost me millions.
“On Sunday, I eat whatever I want — but on every other day I have to watch what I eat. I don’t want to end up like Missy Elliott, oh lord no.”
FRED DURST’S SAD FANTASY LAND
Rocker Fred Durst says he was devastated when Britney Spears split with him — and gossips that Justin Timberlake played a part in their “break up.”
The Limp Bizkit frontman claims the ‘N Sync star “freaked out” upon learning of their “romance” and reacted to the news by making frantic phone calls to his former lover.
Over a six-pack of Pabst, Durst says, “I was pretty upset when me and Britney ended. Was my heart broken? Yes. Things were getting out of control and Justin was calling her and freaking out. He had never seen her with another guy before. Especially not a stud like me.
He continues, “My whole time with Britney was really good for me. For two weeks we were hanging out all the time. I fell for her, what can I say? She looks like this chick I saw in a porno.”
But the punk rock poser is angry the sexy singer has denied reports of their fling, adding, “She took advice from somebody and started lying about us. It really annoyed me.
“But I have spoken to her a couple of times and she apologized about the way things happened. She feels really bad. She was all ‘I will never stop loving you, Fred. But it just wasn’t meant to be. I will never forget our amazing fourteen days of passion for as long as I live.’
“Oh yeah, she totally said that.”
IF BEN AND JEN BREAK UP I WILL JUST KILL MYSELF
According to Britain’s Daily Mail newspaper, exotic Latina stunner Jennifer Lopez has confided to “pals” that her relationship with fiance Ben Affleck is over.
The gossip rag reports that Lopez told a close personal friend or employee, “It’s over between me and Ben. He’s made me a laughing stock,” referring to an alleged frolic between Affleck and a stripper in Vancouver last month.
BUT, according to London’s itv.com, Lopez scoffed at the rumors and confirmed on an L.A. radio station that everything is fine and their wedding is still on. The entire world breathed a long sigh of relief, or irritation.
SHOCKING COLIN SKIPPING OUT ON BIRTH OF HIS CHILD SHOCKER
Irish boozer Colin Farrell will miss the birth of his first child — so he’s sending his sister along instead to play him in the role. She plans to drink a fifth of whiskey and pass out in the waiting room, and then go down the pub.
The rehab-bound 27-year-old “has” to travel to Morocco to begin filming the Oliver Stone movie “Alexander” over the next couple of weeks — meaning he will not be able to see ex-girlfriend Kim Bordenave give birth to his son next month.
He explains, “Unfortunately I will be in Morocco. I’m not too happy about it, but that’s the way the world turns. These are the days of our lives. I won’t make it to the general hospital. And so on. Wait I got another one. I’ll be in another world.
“Anyway, my sister will be there so at least someone from the Farrell family will be around. Kid will have to get used to it sometime. Daddy has work to do, ya know.”
PATHETIC CO-DEPENDENT JOSH HARTNETT
Prettyboy Josh Hartnett is in an unwinnable struggle to keep his girlfriend happy — because she gets irrationally jealous whenever he’s on a movie set.
The “Hollywood Homicide” star — who is inexplicably dating some total nobody — admits the celebrity lifestyle he’s immersed in puts extra pressure on his relationships with non-celebrities.
Poor Josh whines, “Relationships are hard anyway, but the non-celebrity aspect makes the person you’re with crazy. They always assume that you’ll cheat. All of them. Crazy jealous bitches.
“My girlfriend said recently, ‘I have this vision of you when you go off, just surrounded by these beauties who are throwing themselves at you. I know you’re a good guy, but I don’t know if you’re strong enough for that. I just don’t trust you.’
“It’s incredibly hard so we’re just trying to work through it. Other than that we have a very healthy relationship.”
THE THOUGHT OF KISSING A WOMAN MAKES SIMON PHYSICALLY ILL
Brutally honest “American Idol” judge Simon Cowell is so unromantic it “turns him cold” when girlfriend Terri Seymour asks for a kiss in public.
The producer has been very publicly dating the beautiful, famous TV presenter for 11 months, but still struggles with public displays of affection.
Simon mutters, “I’m not an affectionate person. My own father has only ever shook my hand. I can’t bear to be hugged or cuddled. Especially by a gorgeous woman. How does Ricky Martin do it? Is what I want to know.
The stony man continues, “Valentine’s Day is my worst time of year. I find the whole thing appalling. It’s ghastly. That one night of the year you have to be romantic. The teddy bears and the flowers — urgh. It’s just a horrible thing.
“This year I begrudgingly went out for dinner and hated every minute of it. I am filled with a self-loathing you cannot imagine.”
Cowell adds, “I find symbolic romantic things naff. I don’t want to buy people flowers — I’d rather buy them a car. I’m not romantic — but I make up for it in other areas. Like spending large amounts of cash.
“I really don’t see why people say this will turn me into a hollow, bitter old man who yells at kids for stepping on his lawn.”
Man. I wonder if there will ever be a day without gossip about J.Lo, Britney, Ashton, Colin Farrell, or Mick Jagger.
Not any time soon…
Disclaimer (do not sue me): Satire. For entertainment purposes only.