EX-SPOUSES SEEM TO KNOW EACH OTHER WELL SHOCKER
Hollywood bombshell Angelina Jolie has reunited with her first husband Jonny Lee Miller according to reports in Britain, the place where all celeb facts somehow spring.
Since she moved to Britain with her Cambodian Son Maddoxâ„¢, she and “Trainspotting” star Miller have had a string of secret dates, according to the London Evening Standard newspaper. Not secret enough!
The Oscar-winning daughter of a famous actor last night attended the premiere of the second “Tomb Raider” movie with Jonny — and admitted, “We are very, very close. We see each other a lot. Jonny is wonderful. In fact I like him so much I once married him.”
A “close friend” or employee of the couple says, “It’s early days — but they are very much back on each other’s radar. They have met up for quite a few dates since Angelina has been living in Britain. They seem to be starting off where they left off. They are soulmates. Print that. Soulmates!
“They looked so comfortable — there was no doubt they were much more than friends. Which is so weird because I don’t know how they could have become so intimate with one another. Perhaps marraige is one way.”
NICOLE KIDMAN’S GAY NIGHT OUT WITH THE GAYS (NOT TOM CRUISE)
Nicole Kidman was seen out and enjoying herself at a New York drag show — and spent the evening in the company of a man who was not current beau Lenny Kravitz.
“The Hours” star walked in unannounced and unnoticed to club Show wearing a dark blazer and jeans, and took a seat just before the curtain, just like a regular normal human being.
A source tells British tabloid the Daily Star, “Obviously no one knew in advance she was coming or she would’ve been seated much more comfortably. Duh.”
However, the Australian star soon drew attention to herself by hollering and chatting excitedly. “She even had to flag down the cocktail waitress herself, waving her arms and calling ‘woo-hoo’. Instead of having one of her assistants do it, like other bigshots.
“She was overheard saying, ‘What is this place? I’d like to do a show here.'”
Drunk Nicole was also spotted laughing uproariously at the wry references to fame and style in the campy show. Sadly, her one attempt at an evening free from gossip was spoiled by your usual trusty British “sources.”
SAD PATHETIC HAS-BEEN’S LAST DESPERATE CLAW FOR ATTENTION
“Classic” TV show the Beverly Hillbillies is poised to become the theme of a brand-new casino in gambling addict’s capital Las Vegas.
Nearly four years after his dreams for a casino themed on the show fizzled in nearby also-ran Reno, actor Max Baer Jr. — who played Jethro Bodine in the series, remember? no? — is planning a $54 million 240-room resort in a former Wal-Mart store. Nothing says “luxury and glamour” like a big box discount retailer.
He says, “It’s a very different concept from anybody that’s doing anything else. Anywheres.”
Jethro’s Beverly Hillbillies Mansion and Casino will include a wedding chapel, naturally, and a 2,787-square-meter gambling area with 16 table games and 800 slot machines. So, pretty much just slots.
Baer, 65, adds, “This becomes an attraction. It’s not a casino, it’s an attraction, it’s someplace that if you’re in northern Nevada you have to go to — you can’t come up here and not go. You just can’t. Oh lord let me not go bankrupt again. Vegas needs 800 more slot machines.”
Baer was then informed that Las Vegas is in fact not in northern Nevada, but rather, southern Nevada.
FAME WHORES TO WHORE THEIR WEDDING LIKE WHORES
Former beauty Carmen Electra wants to turn her wedding to rocker Dave Navarro into a reality TV affair.
The sexy addict, who plans to exchange vows with her beau later this year, is eyeing the possibility of allowing cameras to follow her around before and during the ceremony. Because if no one filmed it and broadcast it in primetime, did it really happen? We doubt it.
She explains, “MTV approached us about following us just through the different steps of getting to the wedding and we’re thinking about it. It’s not like anyone has ever seen anything like this on tv before. Maybe we’ll call it ‘A Wedding Story.'”
She says of her fiance, “He’s not afraid to talk about his flaws and things about him that aren’t perfect. Basically to air all his personal garbage in front of the nation, for ratings.
“I find that attractive because then you can really have an open, honest relationship. Communication and honesty, I think, are the most important. No one has ever said that before, I bet.”
I AM NO LONGER A DRUNKEN SPOILED SLUTTY HO, DAMMIT
Sex object Tara Reid is so proud of her self-imposed ban on hard-partying, she compares it to graduating from college. Isn’t that precious? I bet real college grads would totally agree.
The “American Pie” blonde bunny, 27, has become the butt of many jokes for her late-night lifestyle, but protests a bit too much that she’s now embarked on a quieter existence.
She says, “I’ve had my fun times of parties and playfulness and getting trashed and throwing up in the gutter and waking up in the backseat of my limo with some dude from basic cable. It’s almost like I’ve lived my college years in the press. Now I’m graduating and going out in the world, five years later than real graduates.
“You can only go to so many parties. I’m older and I’m tired. Run hard and put away wet, as they say. I like staying home and hanging out with my friends. God, I will be thirty in three years.
“I want to let people know I’m making an effort. I have my act together. Stop talking shit.”
LET’S LAUGH AT THE HIJINX OF THE POOR WHITE TRASH
Eminem’s mother Debbie Mathers has been offered her own show on MTV — and it promises to be more explosive than “The Osbournes,” but with a lot less money, fame, and mental stability.
According to some British people thousands of miles from Michigan, the music channel originally planned to lure the rapper into taking part in his own reality TV series, but when he wisely turned them down flat they approached his mother instead, like the bloodsucking parasites they are.
If the show goes ahead it will lift the lid on Debbie’s relationship with her estranged son, and will give an insight into Marshall’s background. As much insight as can be gleaned from a money-grubbing psychopathic drug addict, anyway.
BY LAW I MUST INCLUDE ONE ASHTON ITEM
Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore are living together in sin — but only while her new Hollywood Hills home is being renovated and furnished by upscale retailer IKEA.
According to the New York Daily News, Demi came with “baggage” when she relocated to her much, much, much younger lover’s swanky pad — she brought along Rumer, Scout and Tallulah, her three daughters sired by Bruce Willis.
The gardener says, “Ashton, Demi and the kids are one big, happy family. It’s really frickin weird, I’m sorry.”
THE MOVIE THAT WILL FINALLY KILL COLIN’S CAREER
Hollywood raiser of the fires of hell Colin Farrell is being tipped to play “sexy” oil tycoon Bobby Ewing in the upcoming film version of tv show “Dallas.” No, I am not making this up.
The drunky feller has reportedly been approached by the movie’s producers, who are desperate to sign him up as the mild-mannered Texan, previously played by Patrick Duffy, since hardly any other famous people want to go near this pile of crap with a ten-foot pole.
Now studio gofers are gossiping that if the role of J.R. Ewing goes to Colin’s “Hart’s War” co-star Bruce Willis, Farrell will sign on too.
However, Willis faces stiff competition from fellow former ‘A’ lister John Travolta who is also keen to don Larry Hagman’s famous Stetson. Neither of them have made a good movie in nearly a decade, will this be the one?
Colin may face outrage from fans of the show, who won’t appreciate an Irishman playing the beloved Texan character. Like they can do anything about it.
Disclaimer (do not sue me): Satire. For entertainment purposes only.