PLEASE PAY MY LEGAL FEES AND OTHER DEBTS

Sideshow attraction Michael Jackson is to open his theme-park home Neverland to the public — for $5,000 a ticket.

The perpetual defendant’s home will be open for one day only — September 13 — and 250 suckers will be able to “enjoy” the attractions, which include an amusement park, video arcade, zoo and movie theater. Pretty much what one could get for less than a hundred bucks in any other city in the United States. Only this one comes with the faint whiff of SCANDAL.

The promotional material reads, “From the moment you enter the gates, you will wish that this day could last forever, so as to get your money’s worth.”

However, questions are being fielded as to what will happen to the $4,000 left over after $1,000 from each ticket is given to a charity (The Jackson Legal Defense and Kids With Cancer Fund).

A source snarks, “It’ll go into Michael’s pocket. He stands to make a million from this — and there’s no guarantee he’ll even be there! Then he’ll probably just spend it all on another tacky urn.”

Others are speculating that the move may be an effort on Jackson’s part to sell the theme park — which is proving cripplingly expensive to maintain for Mike and his various preteen “friends” in the wake of many court cases.

GOOD LORD ARE WE FINALLY NEAR THE END OF THIS NIGHTMARE

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez will marry on the Hawaiian island of Kauai over September 13-14, according to sources claiming to be close to the couple and yet hellbent on spoiling the wedding. Surprisingly, there are no conflicts with those attending the Neverland event the same day.

According to some apparently telepathic English spies, Affleck’s brother Casey will be best man and the guest list will read like a who’s who of Hollywood — Matt Damon, Bruce Willis, Colin Farrell, Matthew Perry, Alec Baldwin, Joaquin Phoenix and Miramax head honchos Harvey and Bob Weinstein are among those invited. Shockingly, Ashton Kutcher did not make the list.

Someone who says they know the wedding planner’s dog walker’s girlfriend says, “Every last thing is being planned in minute detail to make sure Jen is happy with her special day. Third time’s the charm!”

THE ULTIMATE IN SHOWING EVERYBODY UP AT THE HIGH SCHOOL REUNION

Actor Bruce Willis reminisced over his days as a teen when he treated 300 old school chums to a lavish 30th reunion party. The “Die Hard” hero, 48, met up with Penns Grove High School’s class of ’73 at the fancy Trump Plaza in Atlantic City, N.J., on Friday — and he picked up the tab.

A pal says, “It must’ve cost him $30,000. He took care of food, drinks and entertainment. He rented out the hotel’s theater. He was accessible, too. He took time to say hi to everyone and took pictures with anyone who asked. Plus all these people who had been pretending that they were friends with him in school got totally burned when he didn’t even know who they were.”

The classmate adds, “It was like we were in school again. Except that the rest of us are just like, regular people, and he’s a multi-millionaire hotshot movie star now.

“I always kind of thought he was a dickhead, anyway.”

PARIS HILTON’S JUST A NORMAL GIRL WITH A BILLION DOLLARS AND A PHALANX OF SERVANTS

Hotel heiress Mademoiselle Paris Hilton is baffled by how many people hate her — because she claims to be a “humble,” well-brought-up girl at heart.

The blonde party doll and skeletal sister Nicky are the target of a number of vitriolic web sites that attack their billion-dollar fortunes and dissolute lifestyles — but, the 22-year-old insists, if people actually knew her their opinions would change.

She says, “There’s some scary stuff out there. It’s full of lies because people love to hate me and my sister. But if you got to know us, you’d love us. It’s like, you don’t even know me. My real friends are the greatest, and just because we like to party in the Hamptons with Puffy or just because we haven’t worked a day in our lives, people assume all this shit about us.

“I’ve always been taught by my parents to be humble and to treat people like you want to be treated — even if they’ve been mean. Even when the maid like, spilled bleach on my new Juicy jeans, I didn’t freak out or fire her. God. I just asked her never to touch my clothes again and have them sent out for cleaning from now on. That’s all. That seems fair.”

WE DREAMED THIS IN OUR HEAD SO DECIDED TO WRITE IT DOWN AS THOUGH IT HAPPENED

Britney Spears, Madonna and Jennifer Lopez are secretly planning a special surprise for the MTV Video Music Awards by performing together, sources openly fantasized yesterday.

MTV janitors claim the pop diva trio will team up to open the show next week by performing Madonna’s “Like a Virgin.” Madonna opened the VMAs with the song almost 20 years ago.

On Saturday, Madonna celebrated her 45th birthday by inviting Lopez and Britney over for lunch, sparking wild speculation that the trio were working on something together. Or that they were just eating lunch. OR that they had a three-way.

MOLEY MOLEY MOLEY MOLE

Enrique Iglesias has had the mole on his face removed in a bloody, but painless, five-minute operation. The one-hit-wonder provoked a storm of speculation earlier this year after being photographed without the trademark mole. Which he actually did, in fact, trademark. And patent.

Now Enrique confesses he had the mole surgically removed.

He explains, “All I saw was blood. Sheets and sheets of glorious blood. I was freaking out — I thought he was going to poke out my eye. That was probably the morphine talking, though.”

He was even surprised anyone noticed it had gone: “Some of my friends now look at me and they won’t even notice. Or they don’t say anything, anyway. Do I have something on my face?”

LET’S PUT OUT A PRESS RELEASE ABOUT OUR NEWEST MANSION, DARLING

According to sources in Madrid, Victoria and David Beckham are poised to snap up an $11 million, 12-bedroom villa called, by total coincidence, La Victoria. Like the salsa!

As well as enough rooms to accommodate as many guests as they can handle, the luxury pad boasts two swimming pools, a jacuzzi and a tennis court. Blah blah blah, rich people, money, consumption, and so on, infinity.

The couple’s driver says, “It has a huge sign by the gate saying La Victoria. I think Posh was quite tickled by the idea of living in a house that already has her name on it. God what a cunt she is.”

RICH BLACK LADY RUINING OBSCENELY WEALTHY NEIGHBORHOOD’S “RURAL CHARM”

Oprah Winfrey’s neighbors in California have become so fed up with the constant construction work on her estate, they’re making moves to put a stop to it.

A member of the Montecito Neighborhood Association snots, “Enough is enough. It’s been one construction after another for months. There are so many trucks that children can’t even ride their bikes through our gated community. But we can still drive our Lexus SUVs, no problem.”

According to the tabloids, one of the association’s gripes is that she wants to erect a solid, 10-foot wall on the street side of the 43-acre ocean-view estate that she bought for a staggering $50 million in 2001.

The source notes, “Everybody here uses hedges and bushes for privacy. Why can’t she do that? Why can’t we all live in identical houses? Why can’t we be allowed to peek onto her property, take pictures, and sell them to the Enquirer?”

Locals also complain that an imposing guards at one of the two entrances does little to preserve the area’s “character.”

The source adds, “We need to protect the semi-rural, pure white character of Montecito, and by God we’ll do it, Oprah or no Oprah. Son, hand me my gun.”

Disclaimer (do not sue me): Satire. For entertainment purposes only.