Q-TIP: ‘I HIT THAT’
Sassy and single Nicole Kidman did have a fling with Q-Tip, according to Q-Tip. Rumors about the two arose after they were spotted and snapped together in January.
Kidman has since been romantically linked to Jude Law and Lenny Kravitz, so speculation has died. But Q-Tip — real name Kamaal Fareed — has confessed he did sleep with the Oscar-winning actress.
When asked on an American radio station if he had been intimate with Kidman, he replied, “Yes, I have been. And if she denies that, she’s lyin’.” Q-Tip went on to describe the event in gruesome detail before moving on to stories of every other woman he’s slept with. A true gentleman.
JACK TURNED ME GAY
Bony actress Lara Flynn Boyle has raised eyebrows after she was photographed sharing a passionate kiss with a female pal.
Former food-eater Boyle, ex-girlfriend of Jack Nicholson, was seen planting a huge kiss on her butch companion during an August 8 shopping trip in Beverly Hills.
The paparazzi tells the National Enquirer, “She was with another girl, and suddenly she puckered up and kissed the other girl full on the lips. This wasn’t a friendly peck on the cheek — this was a full-blown, lip-to-lip smooch. In my mind.”
OZZY DEATH POOL STARTS UP AGAIN
Ozzy Osbourne has disappointed fans for the third time this summer as he battles a mystery illness known sometimes as cirrhosis of the liver. The rocker pulled out of a third Ozzfest festival date in New Jersey on Tuesday night.
His publicist simply calls the illness “undisclosed,” which means “drug-related.” If it was cancer he’d already be on the cover of Us magazine.
Jack’s favorite band Korn took over his headlining spot, as they have the past two times Ozzy has been “forced” by his own body to cancel.
A SMALL AND MEANINGLESS MASSIVE FACELIFT
Impossible diva Barbra Streisand has finally had plastic surgery — after years of insisting she’d never go under the knife, like she is soooo above that.
The 61-year-old agoraphobe was so intent on keeping her surgery secret, she wore a black scarf over her face covered by a hat, which is usually a great way to blend in.
Her personal chef leaked, “Barbra said she was going to be off the scope for a few weeks to relax because she was so stressed out, by what I’m not sure since it’s not like she’s singing or acting or anything. She wanted everyone to notice her new look, duh, but she wanted it to look natural like she had gone to a spa for a long rest. She got exfoliated, went on a liquid diet and started to do yoga. Very trendy right now.”
Barbra brought her spiritual adviser to the Beverly Hills office with her on July 30 to calm her nerves, which is like something out of “L.A. Story,” no? “They meditated and listened to soothing music. By the time she went under the knife, Barbra was calm. Thanks to all the valium and other anesthetic.”
A representative for Streisand confirms curtly that the star had “a small procedure tightening the jawline.” Her newly stretched and taut face-skin will be revealed on a TV special during sweeps.
SEX IS SO FIVE MINUTES AGO, SAYS MARRIED WOMAN
Sex has lost its hold over the city, according to Candace Bushnell, the New York journalist who wrote the original book “Sex and the City.”
The blonde-haired journalist’s latest novel, “Trading Up,” has been optioned by TV network ABC, and will be turned into a new series that bosses are deludedly hoping can emulate the cult following of “Sex and the City.”
44-year-old Candace reckons her latest work has a good lesson to teach readers — that sex is no longer power.
“The interesting thing about the book is it shows that using sex as a power over men doesn’t really work anymore. It’s like my successful television series has changed the course of human biology in five short years. Wow.”
VICKY’S GOT A SPECIAL NEW HOBBY
Wannabe hip-hop pretender and trophy wife Victoria Beckham is planning to open her very own boutique in her new home of Madrid.
Posh Spice moved to the Spanish city when her husband David was sold like a slave to football club Real Madrid, and she’s planning to take advantage of the locals’ legendary sense of style by starting up her very own designer gear store — with the help of younger sister and personal stylist Louise, as well as a team of designers, sewers, merchandisers, assistants, salespeople, and everyone else who will do all the real work.
A local estate agent reveals, “Mrs. Beckham told us she wanted to buy a shop to turn into a fashion store. We managed to find two premises and now she’s giving them serious consideration. Which is good because she kind of said it like she had just whimsically had this ‘idea’ over breakfast.”
A COMMON SYMPTOM OF FAMINE
Daryl Hannah is rumored to be losing her hair as the result of a “strict diet” of “no food.”
According to Page Six, the ex-model’s lustrous mane is thinning out and proving difficult for stylists to manage.
A source says, “Stylists are having to put in hairpieces to glue to her scalp as she promotes her film ‘Casa de Los Babys’. It’s horrifying. I think she has scurvy.”
However, the 42-year-old’s representative rubbishes these claims. While smoking furtively and sweating like a fat man, she scoffed, “Does eating eggs Benedict constitute a diet? This is false. She’s fine. Healthy as a horse. Just needs a new conditioner. Now get the hell out of my way.”
Disclaimer (do not sue me): Satire. For entertainment purposes only.