FILTHY RICH ASSHOLE SCREWING MODEL OLD ENOUGH TO BE HIS DAUGHTER, FILM AT 11
Obnoxious prick Jim Carrey has a new girlfriend — and she’s roughly half his age, big surprise. The 41-year-old scenery-eater has fallen head over heels in lust with 23-year-old Danish model Betina Holte.
Carrey even jetted to Copenhagen recently to be with his new girlfriend. They met up at posh five-star Hotel D’Angleterre, and stayed there for 72 hours. Maybe 73.
Fancypants arrived in a chartered Gulfstream jet — and, according to nosy tourists in the Danish capital, he and his new fucking partner barely left their luxury suite all weekend.
On Saturday the happy couple biked around Copenhagen, where Betina showed the former welfare recipient the sights. On Sunday they only emerged from their hotel room once: Carrey signed autographs for a few passersby, and stunning Betina was seen lurking behind him wearing a robe and pleading to be rescued.
THE MOST NON-SHOCKING GOSSIP OF THE DAY
Beyonce Knowles and her lover Jay-Z were photographed with intrusive very long lenses enjoying a romantic holiday together on the French Riviera — finally confirming to about five people who didn’t already know that they are a couple.
The Destiny’s Child star and Jay-Z have always denied being an item, and the vacation marks the first time they have canoodled in public. Canoodling: swimming and ass-grabbing.
A busybody at the Eden Roc Hotel in Cannes says, “Beyonce and Jay-Z were having a great day out on the boat. They had lots of friends with them.
“They made no secret of the fact they were together. It seemed to bring out the daredevil in Beyonce — she was the first to jump off the rocks into the sea. Pretty sure she survived, too.”
POOR FRANCES WILL NEVER KNOW HER CRAZY GREAT-GRANDFATHER
Courtney Love’s mother has denied reports that the fame whore is Marlon Brando’s granddaughter. British newspaper the Daily Express had broken the story earlier this month — claiming that Hole singer Love’s mother Linda Carroll made the revelation in a new book.
It had been claimed that Carroll’s mother Paula Fox had had a brief liaison with the adorably insane legend, resulting in her existence.
However, Carroll, 59, states categorically that she made no such claim in her memoirs. She told the Corvallis Gazette-Times, “First of all, it’s crazy, it’s not true. Second of all, my book doesn’t say that. Third of all, I wish.”
Carroll’s New York book editor Kristine Puopolo confirms that the manuscript makes no mention of ties to the reclusive cookie-loving Brando.
TODAY’S SHORTEST ITEM!
“Lord of the Rings” star Elijah Wood was rushed to hospital after suffering a burst appendix.
Doctors have removed the 22-year-old actor’s appendix and he is now fully recovered.
Elijah says, “I’m fine.” Which oddly, is what all people say following an appendectomy.
He did not state whether he actually heard the organ burst inside his body.
WHORE RATES, TATTLES ON FELLOW WHORES
A Playboy bunny has revealed the sexual exploits of some of Hollywood’s biggest actors — including Leonardo DiCaprio, Colin Farrell and Tobey Maguire. By “biggest,” we only mean “most famous.” Zoe Gregory-Paul claims all three hunks are regular partygoers at Hugh Hefner’s Playboy Mansion.
But the faux-chested faux-blonde reckons that Colin is “in love with himself” while Tobey is “a little boy lost.”
“Leonardo is a regular at parties. He loves the Playmates. He’s so handsome his looks almost overpower you. He gets swamped with offers when he comes to the mansion and he accepts quite a few. He’s like a kid in a sweet shop. It doesn’t surprise me since the human male has for thousands of years been compelled to mate at any time with almost any willing females. It’s too bad for his DNA that he will produce no heirs.
“Tobey Maguire is sweet and a little bit innocent. He sits in the corner like a little boy lost. But so many of the Playmates want to bag themselves a celebrity, he never has any shortage of offers. This is probably due to the human females’ interest in selecting a wealthy partner who can provide for her young. Of course that is all countered by the birth control pills.
“Colin Farrell is known as the biggest shagger in Hollywood. Normally he can’t keep his hands off the girls, but the night I saw him he was very subdued by his standards. He seemed more in love with himself than any of the Playmates. This indicates that he is probably homosexual.”
SPEAKING OF HOMOSEXUALS
Newly de-moled Enrique Iglesias has laughed off claims he plans to wed gorgeous, ready-to-breed girlfriend Anna Kournikova.
The singer — who shares a Miami home with the tennis hobbyist — denies the couple have secretly married, despite Anna sporting a wedding ring on her right hand. That’s what it says. Her right hand. Ahem.
Enrique says, “I prefer just seeing how things go. I think every guy out there would agree with me. It’s not that I don’t believe in marriage, but I believe nowadays you can live with someone without getting married. That’s what all my gay friends do, anyway.”
TEENAGERS HAVE FLEETING NOVELTY RELATIONSHIP, WORLD SADDENED BY BREAKUP
Rolling Stones offspring James Jagger and Alexandra Richards have split up.
Mick Jagger’s 17-year-old son and Keith Richards’ 16-year-old daughter started dating after working together on a photo shoot for fashion designer Tommy Hilfiger.
Keith was said to be “concerned” about his daughter’s relationship with the young Jagger, according to Britain’s Sunday Telegrah. “He’s a good-for-nothing twat, just like his old man,” he was quoted as saying inbetween long slugs of whiskey.
Mick, who is said to have found the romance “hilarious,” has already had trouble with his son.
In June he stopped James’ allowance after he threw a wild party at his mother Jerry Hall’s mansion. No one knows how James has been surviving without that thousand dollars a week.
Disclaimer (do not sue me): Satire. For entertainment purposes only.