BIG-MOUTHED DOG GETS WALKER CANNED

Reese Witherspoon has fired her celebrity dog walker for reportedly gossiping about her to the tabloids. By “celebrity dog walker” it is not meant that the dog walker was herself a celebrity, though it should be noted that this is in fact Scott Baio’s new career. He’s in the yellow pages! Reasonable rates.

Annie Lever had spent two years walking Reese’s three dogs (and boy, were her feet tired!), but was sacked by Reese’s assistant on being told that too much gossip was getting into the press. This pretty much happened the day after Reese gave her assistant the power to hire and fire.

Lever says, “It really hurt my feelings. It’s as if you’re being ousted from their family. I can’t believe that bitch stabbed me in the back.

“I mean the dog. She was the one feeding me all the inside info, dammit.”

But Lever still rakes in a healthy $200,000 a year walking pooches for other stars, including Mike Myers and Steven Spielberg. Which is almost as much as the President of the United States makes! God bless America.

IN MOST STATES, THIS IS SEXUAL HARRASSMENT — IN ALL STATES, IT’S TRAGIC

Aging drummer Tommy Lee was so desperate to woo actress Shannon Doherty in a plush California eatery, he bought her two sexy thongs. “Desperate” is definitely the key word there.

Tommy began his pathetic quest to “date” the difficult brunette by sending an expensive bottle of champagne to her table at the Malibu restaurant, according to Britain’s Daily Star, who just happened to be there by miraculous coincidence.

After this corny gesture failed, the heavily tattooed sleazebag ran across the road to a sexy lingerie store — and swiftly returned to give the “Beverly Hills 90210” star two gift-wrapped thongs with his phone number on the outside of the box.

The gifts were met with gales of wicked laughter from Shannen and her friends, and poor shamed Tommy left in tears.

I MISS YOUR MILLIONS OF DOLLARS IN MY LIFE, SON

Eminem’s father is begging the controversial rapper to get in contact with him — because he’s tired of having his son missing from his life, and tired of having to drive a crappy old car and live in a shitty apartment.

Marshall Mathers II walked out on Eminem’s mother when the rapper was just two years old, but his father is now desperate for another chance — to quit that dead end factory job for good and retire early.

He says, “Until we meet, there will always be something missing in my life. I just want to sit down with him and say that so many things have gone on in our lives, let’s just pick a starting point and go from there. How was I supposed to know that kid would grow up to be richer than my wildest dreams?”

The 51-year-old steel worker wrote an open letter to the rapper in 2001, saying, “‘You think I dumped you and your mother and never came looking for you. You’re convinced I’m a drunk who never answered any of your letters. Well, I want you to read this and realize you’ve been fed lies all your life.'”

“I really hope I get to meet Kim Basinger.”

NEWSFLASH! LARA FLYNN BOYLE IS EXTREMELY SKINNY

Friends of freakshow stick-figure Lara Flynn Boyle are increasingly worried about her rapid weight loss since she split with lover Jack Nicholson earlier this year. They say she has rapidly dropped from a svelte 102 pounds to a ghastly 96.

The underfed star shocked onlookers Monday when she invited skin cancer on a California beach.

One says, “You could see her ribs sticking out. Her shoulders were bony and her neck was scrawny. You could use her hip bones as a clothing rack. She just looked like a skeleton. It’s so sad to see her looking so ill. She looked so much better before she lost all that weight. I’m thinking it was probably like… thirteen years ago? When was Twin Peaks on?”

“People were genuinely surprised when they saw her. They couldn’t believe it was the same curvy actress they’d seen onscreen a decade ago. People we’re gasping and looking away and stuff, like they’d just seen someone with no arms or someone with a massive, festering goiter. But no, it was a glamourous Hollywood actress, wasting away like a cancer victim.”

SARAH SUCCUMBS TO TWENTY YEARS OF PRESSURE; STREISAND LAUGHS

Sarah Jessica Parker has almost certainly undergone surgery to reshape her nose, according to a top tattling cosmetic consultant, which is longhand for “the Clinique counter girl.”

Recent photos indicate she’s made a “subtle” change to her face, because the bump on the bridge of her nose appears to have been removed.

British-based (of course) “cosmetic expert” and Harrod’s employee Jan Stanek says, “It’s almost impossible to say that Sarah Jessica hasn’t had any work done. I mean, I could say it, technically. But it would be very, very difficult.

“If you look at the sides of Sarah’s nose, you can see that her bump looks like it’s been reduced slightly and the end of her nose looks less bulbous. And I spent most of the time at my job closely inspecting photos of famous people for small flaws. That’s what they’re there for.”

JUSTIN’S GRANDMOTHER CAVES TO GOSSIP VULTURES

Justin Timberlake has no plans to marry gorgeous girlfriend Cameron Diaz yet, according to his loose-lipped, attention-starved grandmother.

69-year-old Sadie Bomar says, “I don’t think Cameron will be picking out wedding dresses just yet. Justin likes her, but I don’t think it’s anything serious. That’s what I read in People, anyway. I was getting my hair done and it was right there by my chair.

“I don’t see Justin getting too serious about any woman. He is just so into his work. And boys. As friends. His guy friends. Like that group he was in? The Sink?

“But they are boyfriend and girlfriend, so given time, who knows if it will end up being serious. It is a bit surprising however, I mean, isn’t four months a long relationship in Hollywood? They’ll probably buy a house together first. I don’t know, it’s not like he even has time for an old woman like me anymore. Sigh.”

ENRIQUE JUST CAN’T STAND THE COMPANY OF ICKY, STINKY GIRLS

Enrique Iglesias is pouring doubt on the seriousness of his romance with Anna Kournikova, by claiming he’s yet to find his soulmate.

Denying reports that he has secretly wed the “tennis” pinup, Iglesias insists he’s far from committed to his current love interest.

He says, “I hate saying this, but I haven’t found a girlfriend I want to be with more than a week at a time. I just lose interest. I don’t really know why that is.”

MICK JAGGER IS TACKIER THAN EVEN WE HAD PREVIOUSLY SUSPECTED

Elderly 60s relic Mick Jagger has ignored ex-wife Jerry Hall’s request not to enter the family home and has been using the luxury pad as a pervert nest while she’s away.

The ageing singer’s girlfriend L’wren Scott has been spotted leaving the former couple’s $9.6 million home in Richmond Hill, London, despite having been banned from the premises.

Texan model Hall told Jagger she wasn’t comfortable having his new tart under the same roof as her and their children, so the long-legged, long-armed, long-waisted, long-haired blonde forced him to leave.

But it’s reported that cheapskate zillionaire Jagger is disgruntled at having to pay out large sums of money for hotel accommodation whenever his schedule allows him a break — so he’s returned to his former castle like the dirty dog he is, in spite of the fact that he owns several other homes.

On Sunday, Jagger’s driver arrived and called them to say a photographer was waiting outside. But the message came too late — Scott had already made her exit and when she turned back to the front door, it had closed.

A spokesman for Jagger admits he’s stunned by reports of the pair’s mischievous behavior in the Hall household, adding, “It’s highly unlikely from what I know. When L’Wren arrived, she checked into one London hotel and Mick checked into another. And as we all know, when you check in to a hotel, it’s a proven fact that you are sleeping there every night and spending every moment in the room, never leaving to commit revenge sex in your ex-wife’s bed.”

TWO FAME WHORES TOGETHER AT LAST

Buxom blonde pill-popper Anna Nicole Smith is celebrating her impressive weight loss with a starring role in off-Broadway play “Pieces of Ass.”

The reality TV star and widow — who has shed more than 30 pounds — will take center stage in the raunchy play in September. The show explores the angst and insecurities attached to being a hot babe. A living hell, we imagine.

Co-starring in the play alongside Nicole Smith will be Jenna Morasca — winner of reality TV show “Survivor” in the US.

Lara Flynn Boyle was overheard commenting, “Man, I wish I could lose thirty pounds.”

COLLEGE NAMED FOR BARELY LITERATE ALCOHOLIC

Semi-lucid Ozzy Osbourne is being lined up to become patron of a new performance college in his childhood home of Birmingham, England.

If the metal pioneer accepts the invitation, bosses will name the institution — which will promote music, drama, dance and media — the Ozzy Osbourne Academy of Performing Arts.

Doreen Bailey, from the local community association, says, “He’s a really good choice, as he’s from an underprivileged background, yet he overcame that to be a success. And he gave us a hell of a lot of money, which is definitely the best way to get your name on a building.”

MOMMY DEAREST THROWS A TANTRUM

Actor Edward Norton is begging his former flame Courtney Love to enter rehab once again — following months of embarassing behavior from the gravel-voiced singer/actress/trainwreck.

Norton was reportedly furious when Love claimed Norton would “never marry” sexy Mexican actress Salma Hayek because “he can barely understand what she’s saying”.

Recent reports claim the widow of Kurt Cobain flew into a rage as she was being fitted with $18,000 hair extensions for tomorrow night’s MTV Video Music Awards. Love has since flounced out of her gig at the ceremony, but her haggard, well-paid spokesman insists her decision was not based on the hair incident.

“She got a nail stuck in her left foot at a photo shoot for her album, ‘America’s Sweetheart.’ Please mention the ironic title of the album in your item. Thank you. Anyway, it’s infected, so she won’t be presenting. Hey, that’s what she told me to say. No, I don’t know why there were sharp rusty nails in her dressing room. Good bye.”

In February, Love was arrested and held for 12 hours on suspicion of verbally assaulting a Virgin Airlines flight attendant who refused to let her bring her psychiatric nurse into first class.

Meanwhile, little Frances Bean continues to toil away at a distant and forgotten boarding school in Switzerland, plotting her revenge and tell-all book, to be released sometime in 2012.

Disclaimer (do not sue me): Satire. For entertainment purposes only.