GARNER SELLS SOUL TO THE MAN
“Alias” star Jennifer Garner has been enlisted to appear in a recruitment video for the CIA.
Chase Brandon, film industry liaison for the CIA (!!), says talks were ongoing and that Garner, who plays spy Sydney Bristow in the hit TV series, embodied the “intelligence, enthusiasm, dedication, and physical attractiveness” the agency was looking for, both in person and character.
If Garner agrees to appear, she will provide the introduction to the video, which details the nature of the work and qualities the CIA seeks in recruits, such as selling weapons to guerrilla factions and druglords, assassinating world leaders, and undermining democracies around the world to install US-approved dictatorships.
Brandon adds, “Her participation would add a human touch to the message we’re trying to convey. Because without that, we’re pretty much a cold-blooded, lawless gang of ruthless killers and turncoats. For America.”
TOM’S LIQUORED-UP KARAOKE BASH
Tom Cruise has a new friend in the shape of Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi — after the unlikely pair performed a drunken duet of an Elvis Presley song.
The petite cult-lover had nothing but praise after meeting the Japanese leader Thursday, especially for his musical talents.
Cruise says, “He’s really an extraordinary man — and a pretty good singer. We sang Elvis together. I think he’s a charismatic and very intelligent man. And sooo handsome, too.”
Cruise was in Tokyo to whore his new movie, “The Last Samurai,” in which he plays a fictional U.S. military officer hired by the 19th-century Japanese government to train its army in modern warfare. The original title was “Whitey Saves the Yellow People,” but it was discarded due to poor testing scores.
MADDY SPENDS LUNCH MONEY ON HOUSE FOR LATEST GURU
Pop queen Madonna is so devoted to Kabbalah she has reportedly spent $300,000 on a house for the man who teaches her the Jewish study.
A source tells the Scoop, “It’s in L.A., it must have cost at least $300,000, probably a lot more, and my understanding is that she paid cash for it. Madonna is very, very deep into this. Just like she was with the India thing remember that? And the Catholic thing? I wonder what’s next!
“Madonna wanted Eitan to have a nice place to live. She sees him whenever she’s in L.A. When she’s in England, she visits his brother, Eliyahu, who teaches Kabbalah in London, so she always has a Yardeni on hand. It’s like she is completely incapable of independent spiritual thought. Those guys are raking it in.”
Meanwhile, Madonna’s spokesperson insists the reports are false, adding, “This is not true but someone seems to want to keep it going in the media. And that someone is me. That’s off the record, by the way.”
BEYONCE ONLY WEARS SLUTWEAR WHEN IT MEANS SOMETHING
Beyonce Knowles has vowed never to pose nude — because she wants to be remembered for her talent, not her looks. Which explains the thousands of dollars she spends on hair extensions, high-fashion clothing and jewelry, makeup artists, physical training, and so on.
She says, “Every photographer wants to be the first one who talks Beyonce out of her clothes. It’s prestigious for him if I expose a nipple. I think he gets a trophy or something. My body is, after all, perfect.
“People test you to see how far they can go. They exert pressure on me. Man, if I had a dollar for every time that kind of guy says, ‘You’ll only get the cover if you take off your pants,’ I’d be a rich woman. Oh wait. I guess I already am a rich woman! Anyway.
“When they make those kinds of demands, I leave. Goodbye. I want to be respected and remembered for my talent in the first place, not for my fine, world-famous booty.”
Britney Spears recently posed for the cover of “High Society” in a black g-string, but Bible-thumper Beyonce says she’d never follow suit.
“Some women show some nudity in all their pics, like Playboy playmates and stuff. But I am known for being prudish,” she says. “I don’t have a problem with sexy clothes. And I’ll put on a bikini if the scene is on the beach. But vulgar for no reason? Never. I have dichotomized my body into being both sinful and beautiful, and that’s how it’s gonna be until I stop selling records.”
ELLEN FINDS LOVE WITH REAL DYKE
Friends helped Ellen Degeneres get over the grief of her painful split from “lesbian” lover Anne Heche — and then set her up with her current girlfriend.
The comedian didn’t leave her house for weeks after loony Anne abandoned their relationship to wed cameraman Coley Laffoon three years ago — and then went on TV in America claiming she had been abducted by aliens.
But after spending days sobbing and “staring at a wall,” pals convinced her to attend a party — where she met new girlfriend Alex Hedison.
Degeneres says, “You open your eyes in the morning and you just start crying. It was my first night out. I looked at Alex and I thought, ‘Well, she’s easy on the eyes.’
“I had a lot of my friends meet her and evaluate her, and she passed. I was very scared of entering another relationship with another bi-curious nutcase, so it took us a long time. I’m just in a place right now where I’m very happy. We’re both committed, and it’s a monogamous relationship.
“I’m not putting a gown on anytime soon. I was shopping for one, and the one I picked out J.Lo had already picked out.”
IF SHE’S A GOOD WIFE SHE’LL GET HER VERY OWN CREDIT CARD SOMEDAY
Soon-to-be-separated Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson had their first on-camera bust-up as a married couple over a $746 lingerie bill.
Simpson picked up the super slutty underwear at Los Angeles’ Magnolia boutique in an incredibly sad and insecure bid to show her husband that she was sexier than dancers hired to appear in his latest video.
But when she left the store and checked the bill, she realized she hadn’t even been paying attention to the prices of the things she was buying and called her husband, who was “dining” with his dancers, to tell him about her purchase.
Simpson tearfully tells Lachey, “I got two bras and two pairs of underwear and it was $750,” prompting her concerned husband to ask, “Why didn’t you look at the price tag? You’ve got to look at the price tag before you pay. I’m not made of money, goddammit.
“Anyone in their right mind will tell you that’s a little too much for bras and panties, especially when you just want them to come off anyway. Do you need someone to help you shop now?”
It is the hope of the show’s producers that the reality TV show chronicling their marriage will serve as a warning to teens to never marry too young, and never marry Jessica Simpson or Nick Lachey.
SPEAKING OF HOMOSEXUAL BOY BAND SINGERS
‘N Sync’s JC Chasez disappointed a throng of sycophantic groupies when he invited them back to his house for a well-behaved party.
The singer, 27, enjoyed a night out at Los Angeles hotspot Concorde on August 21 with two of his male friends, when he decided to invite a dozen girls back to his Hollywood Hills home for an after-party.
A disappointed starfucker says, “They picked out the hottest girls and asked if they wanted to hang out with JC. When we got there, he lit candles and put on sexy music. ‘N Sync of course!”
But it didn’t turn out the way the easy guests expected. The eyewitness tells Us Weekly that even though Chasez spent hours sitting really close to “a Britney Spears lookalike,” he chose to keep his bed to himself.
The source says, “He headed upstairs alone and went to bed. We all thought we’d been invited to a sex party, and he just wanted to go to sleep! The nerve. Doesn’t he know that my self-worth is measured only by the number of celebrities I fuck and get to fall in love with me?
“He’s obviously a fag.”
PUBLICIST’S PRESS RELEASE MASQUERADES AS GOSSIP ITEM
Tubby Christina Aguilera is slated to replace Jennifer Lopez in the MTV Video Music Awards’ performance, teaming up with Madonna and old pal Britney Spears.
J.Lo was originally lined up to perform “Like a Virgin” with Brit and Madge at the beginning of tonight’s show in New York, but she had to pull out due to alleged filming problems in Winnipeg, or just good sense.
J.Lo is keeping everyone guessing after she was spotted dining in Manhattan on Tuesday night — but if she can’t make it, Britney’s fellow jailbait and sometime rival Christina is said to be next on the list.
Meanwhile, rumors are circulating that a tuxedo-clad Madonna will “marry” Britney, who’ll wear a wedding gown, in the opening act — with sexless Missy Elliott presiding over the lesbian ceremony.
Disclaimer (do not sue me): Satire. For entertainment purposes only.