CASTING DECISION RESULTS IN BRAND-NEW HUMAN INFANT

Oscar-winning actress Jennifer Connelly and her husband, Paul Bettany, are celebrating the arrival of their baby boy, who arrived Tuesday from Connelly’s womb, through the birth canal, and into the delivery room as planned.

Connelly and Bettany, who met on the set of their excruciatingly overrated movie “A Beautiful Mind,” were married in December during a private ceremony in Scotland. You do the math.

The new arrival is their first child together. Sources close to the couple have confided that they are shocked that Jennifer was able to conceive in her bony, underweight condition after the 2002 Oscars, but concede that at least she never got to the “freakishly-skeletal” levels of Lara Flynn Boyle.

BEN AND J-LO NOW MORE FAMOUS FOR GOSSIP THAN FOR ACTING

Christian Slater’s wife has denied actor Ben Affleck acted inappropriately when he visited a strip club with her last month.

Ryan Haddon joined her underemployed husband, Affleck, and Sunday school teacher Tara Reid at Brandi’s Exotic Nightclub in Vancouver, and insists the National Enquirer’s allegations that Ben was intimate with the strippers are completely false.

She says, “Ben did not cheat. He was listening to music, talking to people — that’s it. He didn’t even have a drink. We read the Bible and exchanged baking recipes. We didn’t even notice the nude women inches from our faces the entire time — so wrapped up in Scripture were we. Praise Jesus.”

Regarding reports that this may have split up the uber-couple, one friend of J.Lo tells the Daily Star newspaper, “Ignore all the Hollywood gossip. Ask anyone who knows them — Ben and Jen have still got the hots for each other. It has been scientifically shown that he is the Sexiest Man Alive, after all.”

The couple were both spotted separately in Los Angeles Wednesday after traveling back from Canada. Lopez was seen dining in Ashton Kutcher’s vanity restaurant Dolce, whilst Affleck was spotted shopping in a West Hollywood book and record store. It was difficult to tell from their facial expressions at the time whether the wedding is still on or not.

LIKE WE ALWAYS SAY: EATING A MEAL TOGETHER = FUCKING LATER

Nicolas Cage and Lisa Marie Presley Jackson Cage have sparked speculation they’re back together after they were spotted enjoying an intimate meal together. By “enjoying” it is meant that they finished their food and did not have any of it sent back, and by “intimate” it is implied that no one else joined them at their table.

The non-couple, who married in August 2002 and then filed for divorce a little more than 100 days later, were spotted sharing lunch at Phillips Seafood in Myrtle Beach, S.C., on July 27. Rather, they each ordered their own entrees, and did not share from one another’s plates.

A nosy waiter not doing his job tells Us Weekly, “It seemed romantic, and they definitely did not want to be disturbed. Unlike all the other patrons who welcome frequent disturbances. Nobody was allowed to sit at any table close by. Either that or it was a slow night, I’m not really sure.”

Representatives for Cage and Presley say, “They were working out the return of some clothes and CDs Nic left over at Lisa’s house last year and didn’t get back. You people need to get a fucking life.”

NON-SHOCKING BRIAN WARNER BANNED BY THE SQUARES, WELCOMED BY KOREANS

A day after Marilyn Manson was banned from entering a New York amusement park, officials in Seoul have agreed to welcome the “shock” rocker, who is now considered to be about as shocking as KISS.

Manson has been forced to pull out of Monday’s Ozzfest show at Six Flags in Darien Lake, N.Y., after park killjoys informed him that his so-called controversial act isn’t appropriate for their family park. Because as everyone knows, when you say something is for “families,” that means it is dull, commercial, and idiotic. Like Marilyn Manson.

But there’s good news for the mid-90s era “Antichrist Superstar” stringbean — he will be able to play his first ever show in South Korea.

A spokesman for the promoters says, “Manson agreed in the contract not to defile religious or national symbols, or do anything sexually graphic on stage.” Manson commented, “yeah, I agreed not to actually have sex on stage, which I don’t remember ever doing anyway. Whatever. Have these people heard of GG Allin? I guess not.”

Manson is scheduled to perform at the Olympic Fencing Stadium in Seoul on October 4. It will be his first international fencing competition, and he hopes to do well on his footwork and defense.

BROADWAY STILL DYING, RESUSCITATION ATTEMPTED

Reports that Matthew Broderick and Nathan Lane are considering rejoining the Broadway production of “The Producers” in January has sent fans flocking to the box office. Reports of the two stars’ three-month return are only tentative, and sure are helping to boost flagging sales.

The show’s spokesman John Barlow says, “Discussions are taking place between the producers and Nathan and Matthew about the possibility of returning to the show. When they come back and for how long is still to be determined. Depends on the money, really.”

An amazing 200 fans lined up outside the St. James Theatre Wednesday, ready for its 10 a.m. opening for ticket sales. And if you’ve ever been to New York City, you know that a group of 200 people truly is a sight to behold.

Amazing fan Claire Castro declared, “I’ll do anything to see Nathan Lane. I missed the show the first time around and when they left I truly lost interest. The new cast really sucks; I don’t know what happened.”

MY GRANDFATHER GAVE ME THE CRAZY GENE

Twice-divorced Hollywood wild child Drew Barrymore blames late grandfather John Barrymore for her erratic behaviour, but doesn’t really go into any specific detail regarding her allegations.

The “Poison Ivy” actress says her actor grandfather, who died in way back in 1942, is stuck in a “spiritual limbo” until he knows she’s in a safe place.

Drew explains, “I worship him to an insane degree. I’m either his incarnation or he’s waiting. He won’t pass on to the next plane until he knows I’m ok and on my way. I know I’m crazy because of him. Or he was crazy because of me. One or the other.

“I think my dating a dirty New York rock and roll drummer will help Grampa get to heaven at long last.”

SEXY ACTOR WEDS SEXY MODEL, WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG

Actor Ed Burns has pledged lifelong fidelity to new wife Christy Turlington.

The actor wed his supermodel bride on June 3 after two aborted attempts, but after his struggle to drag Christy down the aisle at last ended in legal marriage, Ed is determined to keep that gimantic diamond on her finger.

Ed vows, “I’m pretty confident I’m a trustworthy guy. Also I’m awesome. People are going to have human desires while in a relationship or a marriage but at the end of the day you think, ‘If I act on this, what are the repercussions? Am I really going to go ahead and hurt this person?’

“We’re very happy. We love our life together. Plus she’s a fuckin supermodel. Jesus, have you seen this broad?”

Samuel L. Jackson was reported to be eager to remind Burns about the “financial” reasons to stay faithful to his wife, but was met with numerous eyerolls.

IT’S FUNNY TO WRITE MY NAME ON A BUM

Pop tart Ashanti was shocked when a fan asked her to sign his bare bottom — but she did it anyway cos she’s easy like Sunday morning.

Ashanti recounts, “He asked for my autograph and I said, ‘Sure’. Like you do.

“Then he pulled down his pants and made me sign his butt — and said he’d never wash it again. I mean, he didn’t literally ‘make’ me do it, I was just all, ‘whatever.’

“I don’t even know if he had washed that ass before. It was stanky.”

Thank you, Ashanti.

FARRELL COMES FROM A TRAILER FAMILY OF IRISH GYPSIES

Colin Farrell is living out his dreams by living in a caravan in the California desert, just like Brad Pitt in “Snatch.” Without the boxing or the funny talking.

The hellraiser has bought a trailer home in Ojai, Calif., and he’s loving every minute of life outdoors. Also we are legally bound to use the word “hellraiser” in all Colin Farrell items. There.

He says, “It’s the kid in me — we used to stay in trailers when we went on holiday and I just wanted to go camping on my own. I’ve been there three weeks. I wanted to stay out of trouble so I didn’t want to stay in a hotel in Los Angeles. I am at the point where I need to physically remove myself hundreds of miles from people and places that might influence my drinking and partying.

“Instead I’m spending my time with some banana trees, avocados, and coyotes. They are all so friendly and delicious.

“The nights are always clear and the stars are beautiful and you can sit outside drinking beer and listening to music. I go through a six-pack a night; I have cut way back.”

PINK URGES VOGUE TO BAN FUR

Pink — the dirty hippy — is urging the editors of fashion bible Vogue to ban fur from their pages. The singer faxed a handwritten note to editor Anna Wintour after she was unsuccessful in using the computer to type a letter.

In the note, Pink urges Wintour to “modernize your magazine and stop promoting fur.” She then advises that if the magazine can’t cut out fur, Wintour should at least run PETA ads. Wintour’s short reply to this suggestion was, “Are you mad? I’m trying to run a business.”

Pink also writes, “Many designers, unaware of my respect for animals, have sent me fur in every shade of pink. I would like to say I’ve always been fur-free. Except for the fur covering my entire body of course.

“Unfortunately, I went through a selfish phase and wore fur on a couple of occasions. I’ve since learned how animals are trapped, drowned and even beaten to death in the woods and in streams, and hideously electrocuted and strangled on fur farms, and I wouldn’t be seen dead in the stuff.

“PS: Leather’s okay though. I love leather!”

TOM SIZEMORE MAKES MIKE TYSON LOOK LIKE GENTLE BEN

Unstable actor Tom Sizemore threatened to kill former Hollywood madam Heidi Fleiss in phone messages sent to her, a Los Angeles court heard Wednesday.

The “Black Hawk Down” nutcase — who’s facing 16 charges of domestic violence, threats, witness intimidation, property destruction and obscene and harassing phone calls — sat at the defense table as a sobbing Fleiss admitted she was convinced her ex-boyfriend was “capable” of killing her, especially when he purchased a “huge gun.”

Sizemore was heard on one tape saying, “I have been sitting here debating whether to blow your brains out or blow your house up — I’m having a ball.”

In her testimony, Fleiss responded to the message, saying, “He is capable of it. I felt scared. All of a sudden he had a gun at his house, a huge gun that could blow someone to bits, maybe two or three feet long — like ‘Terminator.’ Like the gun our future governor uses to kill futuristic robots.”

The jury later heard a message featuring Sizemore singing the words, “Bye bye baby / I love you,” to Fleiss while making a clicking sound in the background with the gun.

The tape continued, “You threaten my earning power. I am the best thing that happened to you. You hurt my career. You left me no option to violate you. I mean, I have no other option. Except psychiatric treatment, but, screw that! I hate your guts. I’ve been an actor for 25 years you fat ass, you leathered skin piece of garbage who I happen to be in love with.

“I spent over $400,000 on you. I suppose that’s nothing cause you’re such a whore. I love you, you goddamn whore!”

The prosecuting attorney contends that Sizemore hurt his own career by being a talentless hack and a complete jackass. The case continues.

Disclaimer (do not sue me): Satire. For entertainment purposes only.