THEY ARE SO DOING IT
Tattle-telling pals of toothy actress Jennifer Garner have confirmed she’s not-so-secretly dating her “Alias” co-star Michael Vartan.
Garner had been romantically linked to the French hunk since she split from her husband Scott Foley earlier this year. Nosy acquaintances say the pair have gone to great lengths to keep their trysts a secret.
The maid says, “Their love is for real, but they don’t want anybody to know about it yet. Michael never actually drives over to Jen’s house, but instead parks his car about a mile away. Then she drives up and fetches him. I think they are pretending to be spies. Just like on the tv show! Cute.”
The main reason their romance is shrouded in secrecy, pals tell “the Star”, is because Garner doesn’t want to further upset already heartbroken Scott — a futile, egotistical exercise in taking on emotional responsibility for one’s ex.
This summer, Vartan followed Garner to New York City, and he reportedly moved into her suite at the Four Seasons Hotel.
A paparazzi spy claiming to be a “pal” chimes in, “Michael would run errands for Jennifer, and shuttle her to and from the set. He made dinner reservations at her favorite place, the Mercer Kitchen. They took in a few Broadway plays too, but they always arrived and left separately. I simply have no life, do I. Jesus christ.”
OH GOODIE MORE COLIN FARRELL GOSSIP, ONLY WITHOUT BOOZE THIS TIME
Colin Farrell’s babymomma is reportedly locked in a bitter battle with the actor over money.
Model Kim Bordenave, 33, is preparing for the birth of their child next month, and sources tell American tabloid the Star that her family is urging her to finalize all the financial arrangements for the baby.
“Colin gives her $5,000 a month to prepare for the baby. I guess that covers Gucci baby bags and god knows what else. But she used to make more than that modelling. Her family feels Colin should pick up the slack. He’s worth millions, and even though they aren’t married and he bought her a house, shouldn’t she be entitled to half of his earnings? After all, he did deposit a DNA specimen into her uterus, after all.”
On July 30 Kim accompanied 27-year-old Farrell to the Los Angeles premiere of his new movie “S.W.A.T.” but refused to walk the red carpet. A source explains, “She didn’t want to be photographed at eight months pregnant, which is crazy because who ever heard of a model not wanting to be photographed?
“She wants to be known for something other than getting pregnant by Colin Farrell. Yeah, good luck with that.”
BRITNEY AND HER FILTHY DISGUSTING HABIT
Britney Spears is desperately trying to give up cigarettes before she launches her new album — but is failing miserably like a big faily failer.
The pop singer is gearing up to release her LP later this year and wants to be nicotine-free when the record hits the shelves.
However, Spears’ attempts to wean herself off tobacco have been so far unsuccessful — much to her mother Lynne’s dismay. Sources speculate that Britney fears that quitting smoking will make her “get fat,” affecting record sales.
A pal says, “Britney’s tried everything from nicotine patches to acupuncture to try and kick it for good, but it’s no use. Her mom is always on her back about it. Like a monkey. Like a monkey on her back.”
YOU CAN’T FIRE ME — I QUIT
R&B novelty act Ashanti has warned fans she may quit the music industry sometime in the future — because her tiring schedule is wearing her out and boo hoo hoo.
The singer, 22, is busy promoting her prophetically-titled new album “Chapter 11,” but finds the constant stream of interviews and photo shoots very demanding, much like standing for ten hours at a cash register or digging ditches or something.
Ashanti complains, “I don’t think I necessarily want to be doing this until the day I die. (Fans) see the glitz and the glamour and they think the money is it, but there’s a lot of hard work being put in. Like having to fly first class all over the world, attend exclusive parties, having to go shopping at Prada, boring-ass four-star meals every damn day. It’s a living hell. Then to top it all off, I have to be interviewed a couple times a day by the major media. Sitting and talking about myself for an hour, I just can’t do it much longer.
“There is no day off. I’ll be right back here tomorrow. There’s not a lot of days that I just get to chill by the pool in my giant mansion.
“Unfortunately I am not qualified to do anything else, so hopefully I don’t end up as a waitress or something. That sounds like hard work.”
DIANA ROSS NOW IMITATING MICHAEL JACKSON
Motown crazy old broad Diana Ross was stunned recently when her hair extensions caught fire in a Los Angeles restaurant.
The “Wiz” star was dining at Ashton Kutcher’s vanity project Dolce with a pal when her hair touched a candle and started to sizzle. And you thought a day of gossip would pass without mention of Kutcher. You were wrong.
A waiter stifled giggles as he reported, “She went up in flames. Luckily, a friend smothered it. And damn, did it smelled bad.”
FROM THE “WHO?” AND “WHO CARES?” DEPARTMENT
Sugar Ray frontman Mark McGrath is a single man after splitting with his girlfriend of almost a decade. The 35-year-old MTV whore and his former live-in lover, “aesthetician” Carin Kingsland, 30, have parted ways but remain close friends.
McGrath says between deep inhalations of marijuana, “It’s not easy, and the hurt of heartache and all that is there. But if it’s not right, it’s not right. You gotta move on. Dude.”
The star, who says he’s keeping their dogs Lola, Ruby and Chopper, admits he’s not ready to settle down and have children, explaining, “I’m slower in maturation than other people.” He then indicated this by displaying his complete lack of pubic hair.
GOOD FOR YOU, HORSEFACE!
Foo Fighters singer Dave Grohl has married girlfriend Jordyn Blum. Guests at the August 2 ceremony, held at the couple’s Los Angeles home, included music mogul Clive Davis and Grohl’s former Nirvana bandmate Krist Novoselic.
This is 34-year-old Grohl’s second marriage. The couple met in a Los Angeles bar, and MTV producer Blum, 27, is now looking forward to becoming the rocker’s ex.
Grohl explains, “The first night we met, I asked for her number and she left it and she wrote, ‘Jordyn, your future ex-wife.’ Classy, huh?
“She’s the biggest fox in the world, the most gorgeous girl I’ve ever seen. I didn’t think she’d be into me at all — I’m like the funny dude you don’t necessarily want to sleep with. So I’m told, anyway.”
SEACREST GOES LOOKING FOR A BEARD IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES
Former teen Debbi Gibson’s wedding has been called off because of reported dates with “American Idol” host Ryan Seacrest.
Gibson, 32, met Seacrest when they teamed up to appear on “American Juniors,” where she serves as a judge. And within weeks they were romantically linked in reports by the Star — as usual, they were seen eating food together.
“Shake Your Love” singer Gibson and her beau of four years, New York music executive Jonathan Kanterman, were due to be married in spring 2004, but pals say the nuptials have been cancelled since speculation of an affair arose.
A source speculates wildly, “He called her as soon as he read it and confronted her about it. She defended herself and told him that nothing’s going on, but he didn’t believe her. She’s pretty upset about it. She doesn’t want to lose Jonathan. I mean, it’s pretty obvious that Seacrest is gayer than Christmas, right?”
Kanterman says, “At the moment, I’d rather not say anything about this.”
SOME TEENAGE GIRL THROWS A TANTRUM AT DISNEYWORLD
Unknown British actress Keira Knightley found herself waiting at the back of a long line to get on Disney World’s Pirates of the Caribbean ride — even though she stars in the film it’s based on and therefore should be handed free privileges for the rest of her life.
The stunning stunner of an actress, 18, was virtually unknown in America before she hit screens in the box office success alongside Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom. And she learned just how much more her celebrity status needed to rise when staff manning the lines at the popular Florida tourist attraction failed to recognize her.
She recalls, “I said, ‘Listen, I’m in the film.’ And they’re like, ‘Yeah, get to the back of the line!’ So then I started screaming ‘DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?!’ And I guess they didn’t. The funniest part is that after all that, the ride itself was actually really lame. Oh well.
“Anyway, I made sure that they were all fired the next day, so I feel a lot better.”
Disclaimer (do not sue me): Satire. For entertainment purposes only.