“JUST PRACTICING FOR A PLAY” EXCUSE TROTTED OUT

Future face lift patient Britney Spears has been linked to one of her backing dancers — a 21-year-old himbo who has already married far, far too young.

Paparazzi caught the star in a “passionate clinch” with Columbus Short on August 23 during a rehearsal for Spears’ number at the MTV Video Music Awards — in spite of the fact Columbus is married, and reportedly an expectant father. Might as well get all of that out of the way before you turn 22, after all.

However, the usual suspects insist the picture isn’t all it seems — claiming the pair are “just friends” and Britney was merely “warming up her lips” in preparation for her “controversial” onstage smooch with Madonna. For you see, she had never kissed anyone before and needed to practice, just like that time in high school when she was in “The Crucible.”

Britney’s spokesbot says, “Britney and Columbus Short are friends. He is one of her dancers and is helping choreograph some numbers for her. If you know what I mean and I think you do.”

BREASTS ARE DIRTY, EVIL, BAD, AND SEXY (IN AMERICA)

Rap superstar 50 Cent has been forced to reshoot the video for his latest single “P.I.M.P.” — because the original cut was deemed too raunchy to be screened on American television.

MTV refused to show the video — which features the rapper writhing around with topless women — and British music shows “Top of the Pops” and “CD:UK” followed suit. And if they won’t show it in England, you KNOW it’s too hot.

In order to ensure proper product whoring, 50 Cent had to reshoot the film ensuring that all the women involved were covered up by long-sleeved blouses, ankle-length skirts with petticoats, and modest hats to cover their sinful, proud hair. MTV have now agreed to screen the edited version — but only after 9pm.

50 Cent, of course, remains shirtless throughout the entire video.

An MTV lackey says, “We have to adhere to Ashcroft regulations, which state we can only show material that is suitable for younger viewers. Whatever that means. Oh yeah, it means millions of hours of advertising, brainless fluff, and unquestioning obeisance of authority under the guise of fake rebellion. Oh and war. Lots of war.

However, “CD:UK” has opted against screening even the new version after fearing the explicit lyrics would breach industry guidelines against bad words that turn kids into terrorists.

JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT HE COULDN’T POSSIBLY GET ANY CRAZIER

Untreated insane person Michael Jackson has big plans for this Christmas this year — he wants to meet Santa Claus.

The reclusive freakshow, well known for his childlike antics and fondness for children, is desperate to take a trip north for the holidays.

A housekeeper violating her non-disclosure agreement and subjecting herself to a two million dollar fine tells The Daily Record, “Michael’s dreamed of going to Lapland to meet Santa Claus since he was a kid. I guess no one ever told him there was no such thing — or he just refused to believe it and has been living in a strange fantasy world.

“He’s told his people to find him somewhere suitable to stay and to see when Santa Claus will be free to spend a day with him and his pals. Everyone just pretty much nodded and smiled at him, as usual. Boy did we have a good laugh about that one later.

“I kind of hope he does it. Maybe that will bring him to his senses. Probably not, though.”

TOM CRUISE: LADIES’ MAN

Miniature actor Tom Cruise had onlookers at a live circus spectacular amazed — when he popped into a ladies’ toilet.

The cult member was taking his adopted children to see the world-famous Cirque du Soleil in Los Angeles when he suddenly needed to relieve himself.

Looking sheepish in his “trademark” baseball cap and dark glasses, Cruise slipped into a portable toilet with a female symbol on the door, after first glancing around to see if he was spotted.

An onlooker giggles, “He seemed slightly desperate as he rushed for the door and didn’t appear to notice he was in the wrong place. Or was he? I dunno. Also I’m pretty sure he had some guy in there with him. I guess they were sharing the toilet or something.”

SOME OF MY VERY BEST FRIENDS ARE FAGS AND THEY NEED MY HELP

Actress Debra Messing is using her sitcom stardom to give something back to the gay community that propelled her show “Will & Grace” to international cult status. That something is a tv spot that gets her face out there where it belongs, where everyone can see it, just like her agent promised.

The beautiful, skinny redhead has recently made a public service announcement promoting “gay causes,” because she feels compelled to use her fame to break down prejudice. Break it down to the ground. Man.

She says, “It’s very important to me to speak out. Will & Grace has given me the opportunity to do these things. I am just so famous now, and people listen to me and love me. They want to be just like me. And I am against prejudice. It’s wrong.

“I have so many gay friends. I also had very important gay teachers who either have passed away from AIDS or who have had horrible acts of prejudice committed against them. Gay people have such crappy lives, you know? I want to help them.

“My parents throughout my entire life have been deeply involved in ‘giving back.’ Their motto is, ‘Do what you can to help if you are lucky enough to be able to help.’ Isn’t that profound? I am so moved by that.

“It can’t be about me me me all the time. It only has to be all about me most of the time. The rest of the time, it’s about giving something back. Something.”

A spokesman for a gay group responded to the ad by commenting that “Will and Grace” would do a lot for gay visibilty by “letting Will have a relationship” and by “Sean Hayes coming out of the closet for fuck’s sake.”

Disclaimer (do not sue me): Satire. For entertainment purposes only.