MARKY MARK PROPOSES AFTER BLOODY, TRAUMATIZING CHILDBIRTH ORDEAL
Movie star Mark Wahlberg proposed to his girlfriend Rhea Durham after seeing her go through 10 hours of labor.
Marky had refused to be a man and settle down with Durham — who is, naturally, a model — even after she became pregnant with Ella Rae Wahlberg, who was born on September 2.
But the intensity of watching his girlfriend go through delivery was enough to make him pop the question the day after she popped out the kid.
“It was like, so intense,” said Mark soon after. “And I just didn’t want my kid to be a bastard like Colin Farrell’s kid.”
WE WILL HAVE OUR CELEBRITY WEDDING OR DIE TRYING
Speculation is growing that Gwyneth and the Coldplay guy will wed this weekend in Long Island, New York. This is based on the fact that the beautiful blonde has confirmed she will be attending the wedding of “school” friend “Julia Cuddihy,” but many suspect this is a smokescreen to divert attention from her own marriage.
The alleged friend “Julia” pretended to be upset that her so-called wedding was a diversion; she is one hell of an actress!
Paltrow has recently admitted she was “looking forward” to marrying the singer later this year, but Martin has denied any firm plans are in place for the nuptials. Our team of psychics conclude that this all points to a September 21 wedding day!
AND NOW FOR SOME FIVE PERCENT TRUE GOSSIP
Speaking of media feeding frenzies, Jennifer Lopez has not ruled out the prospect of snagging Ben Affleck — she’s waiting to thrash out their problems with the hunk before deciding on the future.
An employee or “friend” of the diva claims the ring collector is in contact with her “estranged” fiance, and the pair are due to meet in person in the next few days to discuss their relationship. Maybe. Or just exchange personal possessions left in each other’s homes.
J.Lo’s friend tells People magazine, “Only the two of them know how it might turn out. The two of them and myself, I mean. Either way, she’s one to confront her problems. I’m sure they’re going to scream, cry and laugh and maybe figure this out. I base this on a conversation I overheard J.Lo’s sister having with her cousin while I was doing the laundry.”
Currently the painfully overexposed couple are spending time apart to reflect on their romance and the disaster it has made of their careers and their emotional stability — with Affleck residing at his Georgia ranch, and Lopez holidaying in Miami.
CUSACK MAKES HIS MOVE
Uma Thurman has been spotted cozying up to former love John Cusack in the wake of her devastating split from cheating rat bastard Ethan Hawke.
The “Kill Bill” actress was reportedly spotted at New York restaurant Tokyo Bay being consoled by Cusack, whom she briefly dated after splitting from her first husband Gary Oldman 11 years ago.
And, according to British paper the Daily Express, a source says, “She looked miserable and he was being very attentive. They were huddled together deep in conversation all evening. But then again it was pretty noisy in there.”
The nosy busboy adds, “He’s carried a torch for her all these years and never believed she’d be free after she married and had children. But now he’s thanking the gods and moving in fast for some hot rebound action.”
CELEBRITIES USE TOBACCO PRODUCTS
Smoky cigarette-loving stars Britney Spears and Demi Moore have been defying the ban on smoking in public places in New York. Britney was smoking like a chimney at hotspot Butter, where she was celebrating model Carmen Kass’s 25th birthday. “If I quit smoking I’ll get fat,” she was overheard to have said.
And Demi was spotted puffing on a cigarette at the Four Seasons restaurant — just after she’d made a speech to the Entertainment Industry Foundation’s Women’s Cancer Research Fund. Which is so ironic when you consider how smoking actually causes cancer! Or so the anti-tobacco lobby would have you believe.
“She was smoking,” source Jan Brady reported eagerly. “I saw her smoking a cigarette. I called the police right away.”
WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE STOP THIS WOMAN
Singer, actress, business woman, fame whore, and now author Madonna is launching yet another “career” — as a film screenwriter.
However, the spoiled millionaire, who is married to film director Guy Ritchie and released her debut children’s book “The English Roses” on Monday, has found the process to be a laborious one.
She admits, “I’ve been working on a screenplay for more than a year, and it’s driving me mad. It’s hard to write words that people would say. From all the scripts I’ve done movies for, it always seemed like something almost anyone could do.
“I sure hope Guy directs my movie. It’s about a girl who everyone hates because she is so wonderful, perfect, and beautiful.”
BEYONCE REGRETS WRITING SONG THAT MADE HER OBSCENELY WEALTHY
Beyonce Knowles hates the word bootylicious — despite creating the term herself in her hit song of the same name. Isn’t that weird?
She says, “It’s really silly. I wrote a song called Bootylicious, maybe three years ago. And now the word is in the dictionary. To be honest, I hate the word.” The singer wants the rest of the world to move on — just as she has.
She explains, “I’m getting older. I want my style to reflect that. Oldness. Maturity. Not shaking my fat ass.
“I’m glad I wrote it. It’s a fun song. I wrote it because I was gaining weight, and I felt for all the people that feel like I do right now, I’m going to write this song and make people proud of their curves. I swear I must have been up to 125 pounds.
“But now everywhere I go, everybody is saying, ‘booty-this’ and ‘booty-that’ and it’s really irritating. Shut up already.”
The 11th edition of Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary contains no such word, sources say.
Disclaimer (do not sue me): Satire. For entertainment purposes only.