BEAUTIFUL WOMAN HAS ADULT ACNE; FABRIC OF REALITY TORN ASUNDER

Justin Timberlake’s romance with Cameron Diaz has hit its first stumbling block — because the twiggy star is so paranoid about her skin.

According to gossip rag the Daily Star, the singer feels pushed away because she becomes withdrawn and upset when her well-documented skin inflammations take their toll. Mainly because the paparazzi documents her outbreaks and publishes them for the consumption of people who take pleasure in the imperfections of their idols.

So-called insiders say Justin has become paranoid that he is the real cause of Cameron’s displeasure and that her feelings towards him are cooling. “Cameron doesn’t realize she’s pulling away from Justin, but he’s sensing her withdrawal and it’s setting off alarm bells,” confided a sixteen-year-old British girl flipping through a copy of ‘Hello!’

“What’s worse is that he’s been hurt before by that slag Britney and he adores Cammie so much he’s becoming slightly paranoid — he wants to know what’s wrong as he can’t believe someone so beautiful could become depressed over a few spots. You can tell just by these pictures. I mean, look at his body language here,” she said, indicating Timberlake’s not looking at Diaz as they waited to cross a street somewhere in Los Angeles, many thousands of miles away.

BENNIFER FORFEIT DEPOSIT; WORLD WEEPS ANEW

Jennifer Lopez and maybe-estranged fiance Ben Affleck are facing a multi-million-dollar bill for their wedding — even though the big day was canceled. As usual, viewers of E! news are unsure of whether to laugh or cry.

The separated-by-geography couple were due to marry Sept. 15 but “postponed” the “wedding” at short notice after claiming they feared too much “press intrusion.” No one is sure how they could have come to this decision, and quickly speculated that a huge bust-up had occurred.

The glamorous publicity whores still have to pay for the expensive wedding dresses, hideous bridesmaids outfits, wedding suits, rings, honeymoon, flowers and security. Included in the bill are two wedding dresses by Vera Wang costing $320,000 each — that princess needed two because she could not decide which to wear — as well as $800,000 worth of dresses by the designer for the bridesmaids and Jen’s mother — which by itself is a hundred times more than the cost of many American weddings.

Some random English guy phoned us to say, “Jen was in a right state. She spent months making sure that everything was in place for the perfect day and now she’s had to ring round everyone and apologize. The money side of it doesn’t bother her as I doubt whether it will make much of a dent in the couple’s fortunes.

“What she is annoyed about is that all the work she put in has got down the spout.”

Isn’t that adorable? “Down the spout.” Anyway, the good news is the millions and millions of dollars were infused back into the American economy. Don’t stop spending lots of money, patriots!

BRITNEY PISSES IN PUBLIC; TARA REID: “AMATEUR”

Pop star Britney Spears shocked pals and waiters by urinating on a public beach after a night of partying.

The one-time sin-free virgin was enjoying herself with the usual cadre of sycophants at Santa Barbara’s Four Seasons Hotel last weekend when the unpleasantness took place.

Naturally, a British citizen happened to be on the scene. The rubbernecker explains, “It was a very unusual night. The group sat outside, then moved in after the meal. They were in high spirits, drinking, smoking, and cuddling.

“Britney then jumped up and joined the restaurant pianist to sing some of her new songs. She was very good and everyone was impressed. I mean, that’s what her publicist told me, anyway.”

The party then ventured outside to the beach. “It was unbelievable. The four of them were huddled at the water’s edge, then Britney dropped her jeans and had a wee on the sand. That means ‘to urinate,’ by the way.

“Her friend also went and they didn’t seem embarrassed doing it in front of the boys, or waiters. Straight after that, the boys took of their shirts, picked up the girls and raced into the water. They haven’t been seen since. I think they all drowned.”

SALMA HAYEK IS AN INSECT-EATING FREAK LADY

Bootylicious Salma Hayek has unveiled the diet behind her ravishing curves — she eats bugs, just like Dracula’s assistant, Renfield.

The Mexican temptress says munching on disgusting creatures is quite a tradition in her strange, foreign land.

She explains, “We have the crickets, and then the ant’s eggs and then we have these worms … you fry them. You don’t eat them together, you eat them separately and they go in seasons. You fry them and then you put them in tortilla and them you put some guacamole in the tortilla.

“You need the guacamole otherwise they are slippery; they fall off the tortilla. But the guacamole really sticks them in there and they’re crunchy. If you fry anything it tastes good, but they’re really delicious. The bugs are incredible,” she continued in her exotic, bizarre accent.

The interviewer then excused himself to go consume a hot dog made up of the anuses of fifteen genetically-engineered cattle.

MADONNA ON THE CUTTING EDGE OF MORTALITY-AVOIDANCE

Madonna has a new needle-free weapon in the unwinnable war against the cold hand of death. According to Britain’s Daily Mirror “newspaper,” the singer has given up Botox in favor of new alternative Beautytox.

Although the 45-year-old has never admitted to having any kind of surgery, the tabloid suggests she’s been indulging in the $560-a-shot treatment in a North London “beauty” center, because “her forehead is line-free and plumped out, but her eyebrows still bob up and down as she speaks — something that doesn’t happen after Botox treatments. Her face is amazingly lifelike.”

An insider tells the newspaper, “Her looks are mainly down to good genes, dancing, exercising, running around after the family and a healthy diet. Oh and having millions and millions of dollars.”

Another pal attempts to explain the new treatment, “It actually works by shooting a muscle-relaxing serum into the skin with an oxygen jet. It’s needle-free, painless and it works for six months. I have no idea what’s in there though. Magic juice? Who knows.”

In spite of these expensive efforts, Madonna remains 45 years old and has approximately thirty to forty years left on this planet, barring tragic accidents or unforseen health problems.

WHY CAN’T I BE SNOOP DOGG

Entrepreneurial hip-hop pansy Sean Combs is expanding his business empire by releasing a limited-edition luxury car which will help in the fight to destroy the earth’s atmosphere.

Puffy has teamed up with Lincoln to design the Sean John Navigator, which boasts a satellite radio, six TVs, three DVD players, vibrating and heated front seats, a Sony Playstation, a swimming pool, a dishwasher, a king-sized bed, and tinted windows. Okay it’s a motorhome.

A limited run of 100 specialized SUVs will go on sale next month for $85,000 each, the price of a small house in many parts of America.

A spokesmoron for Lincoln says, “Sean John was the obvious brand that embodied the car’s traits — style, class, and obscene, gluttonous, land-raping consumption. It gets about six miles to the gallon, which we feel is reasonable.”

WHO FUCKING CARES ABOUT THESE IDIOTS I ASK YOU

Superstar couple Victoria and David Beckham have poured scorn on reports that their sham marriage is in trouble — insisting a bit too strenuously they are “extremely happy together.”

Posh and her soccer star husband have complained that it is hard to spend enough time together after they moved from Manchester, England to play for Real Madrid in Spain.

Since the $40 million transfer, the couple and their two sons, Brooklyn and Romeo, have yet to establish a base in the country and insiders told British tabloid the News of the World that David was unhappy with the amount of time his wife was spending with rap nobody Damon Dash, who is helping her forge a new “solo career.”

In a statement released through their busy press agent, they said: “Contrary to newspaper reports our marriage is not in crisis. We are extremely happy together as a family. No couple on the face of the earth is more functional and well-adjusted than we are.

“Since we first met our careers have always meant we have spent time apart. This is not a reflection on the strength of our marriage and we are very much enjoying our new life in Spain. Also we have a lot of money so shut up.”

The Beckhams continue to alternately court the attention of the press, and then whine about having no privacy. The earth also continues to spin on its axis.

Disclaimer (do not sue me): Satire. For entertainment purposes only.