BON JOVI BUYS SORT OF, ALMOST, KINDA FOOTBALL TEAM
Former hair farmer Jon Bon Jovi has proved his devotion to “arena” football by buying a Philadelphia team, for the low price of only $850.43 plus tax.
Bon Jovi is now a co-owner of the Philadelphia Soul, an expansion Arena Football League club that will play next season. He says, “I love football, always have. It’s the only sport I really live and breathe. I mean, as a fan, of course. I would have bought a real football team like the Eagles, but they suck.
“This is a very sports-minded town. You know what they think of their sports teams. They love them, they love to hate them. But they’ll love you if you try, if you give everything you have.” For the record, Bon Jovi sang the last two sentences of that paragraph.
He says he’ll require players to sign autographs, visit elementary schools and, generally, behave. He did not say anything about winning championships.
IN YOUR FACE, BENNIFER
“Will & Grace” actress Megan Mullally secretly wed her boyfriend Nick Offerman in Los Angeles on Saturday. The buxom star was joined by co-stars Debra Messing, Eric McCormack and Sean Hayes at the romantic ceremony.
The 45-year-old took the opportunity to break the news at the Emmys on Sunday night by telling loose-lipped, sticky-fingered co-star Shelley Morrison all about her nuptials.
Morrison told reporters, “I’ve got a big scoop for you guys. Megan Mullally got married last night. Hand to God. It was very private. Until now. I can’t believe I wasn’t invited.
“And people think you can’t pull off a secret wedding in this industry. Well, you can if you’re Megan Mullally.”
OR DID WE SPEAK TOO SOON?
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck’s split was a spectacular bluff and they may have already married in secret, according to a British tabloid indulging in a wild fantasy.
The pair were spotted Monday sneaking into a probate office that sells $50 marriage licences near their home in Savannah, Ga. — ten days after canceling their planned September 14 Californian wedding.
Lopez and Affleck told stalkers yesterday they were at the office to buy a “hunting licence,” but London’s Daily Express “newspaper” claims the Liberty County Clerks Office in Hinesville doesn’t issue those. They checked. Over the phone. Like real journalists!!
An assistant there claimed “no marriage licences were issued from this office today,” but laughed and refused to comment when asked by the newspaper if any couples had actually married there. The laugh was the kind of laugh that only a liar would laugh, according to the Daily Express’s voice tone scientician.
A snitch “close” to stars says, “This kind of stunt would not be Ben’s style — but it is totally Jennifer’s. And we know who’s ass wears the pants in that house.”
THESE LATIN COUNTRIES ARE ALL ALIKE
Canadian Alanis Morissette stunned and upset a concert crowd in Peru, after ending a gig there by shouting, “Thank you Brazil!”
The singer made the embarrassing gaffe in front of 14,000 fans at Lima’s Monumental Stadium, provoking outraged criticism from a number of Peruvian newspapers.
However, the Ojo publication gave Morissette the benefit of the doubt after she gave them five thousand bucks, stating, “It was the first time something like that happened over here but it must have been the emotion she felt for being in Peru. Which is commonly mistaken for Brasil! All the time.
“I’m just glad she didn’t say Uruguay. She would have been hung for that! Anyway, she was pretty drunk. Stupid American.”
Alanis has a second chance to guess the right country when her Feast on Scraps tour resumes in Brasilia on Thursday. In Brasil. Not Peru.
SPEARS SAYS WATCHING HER ON TV KEEPS KIDS OFF DRUGS
Britney Spears has denied that her “new” raunchy image is setting a bad influence for her young fans — she’s simply letting them live their dreams of whoredom and excess.
The 21-year-old has posed for scantily clad pictures and publicly kissed Madonna, but she strongly denies accusations her slutty-for-the-past-five-years image is corrupting her young fan base.
She argues, “That’s ridiculous. It’s inspiring for a kid to know that you can have a dream that can happen. It’s positive to see that you can fantasize about being on stage. It’s like dress-up and being a kid. Who hasn’t dressed up as a hooker for Halloween at least once? Well, now I’m living that dream.”
She says, “I feel sorry for the kids whose parents don’t let them watch TV. Those are the kids who go to college and become drug heads because they’ve been so cooped up all their lives.*
“Man, I am glad I’m never going to college. That wasn’t my dream at all.”
GANDOLFINI THINKS HE IS A BOSS IN THE MAFIA
“The Sopranos” star James Gandolfini has become such a big-headed megastar following his third best actor Emmy accolade that he had an assistant carry the trophy for him all night.
The star reportedly drove at least one person mad with his pretentious antics at the glitzy bashes that followed Sunday’s ceremony — which included a gopher walking behind him holding the award as he entered each party. Incredibly, the small rodent was able to carry the sharp-edged, fifteen-pound statuette between its tiny paws.
A Londoner with Sky TV who was watching this all on the E! channel aftershow tells British tabloid the Daily Star, “James made a grand entrance at the parties in front of a lackey who was carrying his award. It’s the third consecutive year he’s won, so seemingly showing off his prestigious gold shiny bit is wearing a bit thin. What an ass. How dare he. I never. Won an Emmy before in my life. And neither has Peter Krause. It’s just not right.” The source then descended into unintelligible muttering until the call was cut off.
* 100% unaltered quote.
Disclaimer (do not sue me): Satire. For entertainment purposes only.