Busy all day with work, busy all night at training. Feeling stressy right now. I hope training helps me relax and focus.
My birthday was grand though, and was finished off with red roses from my boy, a fancy and yummy dinner downtown, and the smoochin. I really am a very lucky girl to have found my redheaded ninja.
My teeth hurt from being poked and scraped at, but the good news is, no cavities! Yay.
Reasons to be concerned: when depression starts feeling like a physical thing, like wearing a lead vest — all this in spite of having every reason to be happy and content. Is it wintertime, or the constant cold in my apartment? Is it something else? I get more frustrated by it by the day, and every day I curse myself for reading that goddamned BOOK.
I lay blame for all of this SQUARELY on reading that chapter on that cold night of November 15. But the reason it’s still haunting me could be something more. I am clearly trying to answer questions inside myself, or find peace somehow in the questions about life that I cannot answer. Peace! Somehow.
I had an experience much like yours with that book. I was listening to the Art Bell radio show and he had on a guy who wrote a book called “The God Spot” and it’s about how there is a place in your brain that causes people to believe in a higher power in order to deal with the pointlessness of life. His idea is that if we didn’t develope this , we would still be cave cowering, hairless monkeys unable to deal with this crushing reality. At one moment during the show, like a load of bricks crashing down on me, I realized, to me, that he was correct. I think it almost took me a year to get over it.
Huh. Well, I don’t really buy that theory (these things are ALL theories). A spot in the brain? Nah.
Who knows. I used to be the type of person who was okay with the unknown, and at peace with life. In fact I went through this exact crisis at age 19, and had to go on Prozac to get over it. I am starting to wonder if the medicine I am taking is somehow preventing me from being peaceful anymore, and able to live in the moment.
There are enough ghost stories and unexplainable phenomenon in the world for me to be okay with believing in the supernatural. I just don’t want to think about this shit 24/7 anymore. It is fucking with my life now.
lead vest.
that is such an eloquent and accurate description
of being depressed. i hope you can fight it off.
peace be with you!
Re: lead vest.
Thanks Jacob. I was actually thinking of you last night because my mom sent me a big box of basement artifacts, one of which was a large manila envelope stuffed with high school notes, many of which written by YOU! Why did I save these? Who knows. But I have em now. Just skimming them has so far been highly amusing. I only saved notes from you, Sean, and Dawn. We spend much time discussing Jen and Brenna. Also Cretia, various others.
Sigh. Memories.
I am feeling a bit better, thank you. Working on it.
Re: lead vest.
i finally divested myself of literally a hefty bag full of high
school notes, the majority of which were written by brenna,
who seemed to generate about two notes a class period.
ah, to be young and dramatically depressed. i did enjoy your
notes with depeche mode cartoons, i’m pretty sure there’s a
martin gore in one of my yearbooks. good times.