Last night before bed I watched an old rerun of Martha Stewart Living. Poor Martha. Wonder what she’s up to? The theme of the episode was beds and bedding. She discussed mattress-buying tips, how to care for your mattress, and how to cleverly dress your bed in different sheets and blankets. Demonstrated the difference between down fill and feathers. Even took a field trip to a blanket factory in Maine, where a gigantic computerized loom weaves bankies all the live long day.

Martha also demonstrated how to make perfect Irish oatmeal, and I learned that rolled oats are quicker because they have literally been squashed flat. Mmm. Oatmeal. “I eat oatmeal every morning,” said Martha. Luckily, I imagine this is also a typical prison breakfast. And she probably doesn’t get to sleep on a featherbed or a horsehair mattress, either. Only four more months! Stay strong!

So we went to bed right after, and I dreamed that I bought five hundred dollars worth of bedding and sheets and felt deeply remorseful for making such a ridiculous purchase.