Acupuncture today. Tonight I’ll brew the foul tea I was prescribed. Oh it’s so nasty. But I’ll hold my nose and drink it down.

I feel like a wet noodle right now. Fell asleep during the treatment, which is always nice.

Also the painters are done, which means that tonight we get to put our things back into the living room and on the walls. They did a good job but I think we will do the interior painting going forward. Much more affordable that way! And the rest of our rooms are comparatively easy.

The window is open and I hear steady rain outside. Audrey is asleep in her sort of crib at the end of our bed. I sang You Are My Sunshine to her until her eyes fell shut.

I need to start getting up in the morning before the girls and meditating and doing yoga like I used to. But lately it has been hard to get up. I’m so tired every morning. Part of it is Brian’s alarm goes off at 5:00 and I can’t sleep through it. I finally get back to sleep much later and usually have some vivid and disturbing dream. This morning it was a dream where I was at my doctor’s office, asking her to examine me. And then we were driving up a steep and winding road to the top of an impossibly green and sunny hill, a place covered with bright gardens and tiny houses. Too beautiful and charming to be real.

It was nice to have a day without tv. Though I still felt quite a bit of anxiety having to entertain the girls most of the day away from home while the painters worked. But it will be nice to try again with a normal day and a house that is tidy and put together.

We went out for lunch then the library then the grocery store. By the end of it, Freya was That Kid, the one laying on the floor in the store. Which she has never done before, so I knew the day was too much for her.

The chest pangs are still happening, acupuncture tomorrow. I had a chest x ray yesterday which I hope will show nothing out of the ordinary. I just have no idea anymore. I passed all the cardiology tests. I’m so tired of doctors.

Well tonight I look forward to a nice bubble bath and listening to the radio. Alone.

Nine years ago it was the day of our wedding. It doesn’t feel like that long. We still laugh together, enjoy each other, are best friends and partners. And now parents, homeowners, and two states away from the place we met. I’m still regularly amazed that I ended up with such a great guy. So happy anniversary, dear husband.

Liberty Bay

Today will be about finding activities, food, and bathrooms away from home. I took a walk around downtown with Audrey and enjoyed this charming vista above the bay. If we ever got rich I’d want to live somewhere right alongside this blue water and view of the Olympic mountains (currently obscured by clouds).

Tomorrow morning painters are coming to recolor some of the walls in our home. Goodbye pastel peach, hello modern taupe. To lighten up the rather dim living room, I am replacing the chocolate brown drapes (not sure what I was thinking with that choice) with the printed sheer panels above from ikea.

Next we’ll choose a new area rug. I’ve spent over a year now trying to decide on one. I have already picked a new sleeper sofa, it’s just a matter of pulling the trigger on it. It can wait until company comes to stay this summer.

We also intend to build bookcases for either side of the fireplace,  and then wall sconces above them to again address the lighting problem, which seems to plague our entire first floor. That’s for a future project, next year.

We enjoy making all these steady improvements to our house. We’ll be here a long time, so might as well make our home exactly how we want it. There will be energy efficient windows. A new water heater. A cement front patio. Hardwood flooring in the dining room. So much is predicated on the girls getting older first, too. It’s going to be nice when their toys are confined to their bedrooms and all the child proofing business is in the past.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow’s acupuncture the way some people look forward to a pedicure or time at the sauna. Ooh I just can’t wait!

Tonight I retreated upstairs for a salty bath with a book and the crappy ballgame on the radio. Took the time afterward for lotion, blow drying my hair, and putting a little moroccan oil into it. I don’t do these little things for myself enough. But these days every small gesture toward feeling well is worthwhile.

I make a pretty good meatloaf. Start with a mirepoix, sautéed with ketchup and worcestershire, salt and pepper, mixed by hand with ground beef and turkey, eggs, panko, parmesan, parsley.  Divide, save one loaf for the freezer, bake the other at 375 for 45 minutes. Don’t forget the glaze on top: a little ketchup and a little brown sugar.

Today was alright. My mom came to look after Audrey while I ran some errands, including ordering a new pair of glasses. I apparently bought my last pair almost three years ago, it really doesn’t seem like that much time has passed. Anyway the new ones are super chic; blue plastic with a gradient from cobalt blue at the top to pale blue along the lower edge. Colored frames! Pretty wild.

The girls napped. Audrey slept soundly in the packnplay. I prepared dinner. After they got up we all went into the yard to play. One of my favorite flowers is in full bloom — Alaska’s state flower, the forget-me-not. Our yard has many of these.

Something on my mind today: when I go back to work someday, what will I do? I’m not sure yet but my intention is that it is meaningful, and makes a difference in someone else’s life. Helping, teaching, something like that. Not just a paycheck. I’m lucky enough to have this choice right now, so I better grab it.

This week’s goal: avoiding social media. Successful thus far and pleased with my decision.

Mad Men is on tonight. It’s one of my favorite shows. And it will always be linked to my daughter Audrey. Here’s why: the night I went into labor with her — two weeks early — I watched the season finale of the show. I remember it clearly for some reason, I made spaghetti for dinner, and zucchini bread (nesting) , then Brian put Freya to bed and I stayed up to watch Mad Men. I may have stayed up later than usual. Got to bed after 11. Then awoke at 1am as my waters broke with a forceful baby kick. The rest is history.

Chocolate eggs and coffee. So nice.

I’m wearing my new sandals. I love them so much I might get them in black. Or I might not.

Coral shoes

This morning Brian hid colored hard boiled eggs around our yard and after breakfast (lemon poppyseed pancakes), the girls went out to find them. I prefer a real egg hunt to what passes for one at public events these days, which is: dump a pile of shitty candy into the grass and then watch the kids push each other to grab as much as they can. No thanks.

Audrey

Tonight we are having lamb dinner and wine at a friend’s house. I’m very much looking forward to some conversation and laughs with a family we love.

That’s all for now. Bye!

Last night after much singing and a bit of fussing, Audrey was finally lay down in the pack and play at the foot of our bed, very asleep. We’ve been placing her in there the whole week at bedtime, and usually retrieve her a couple hours later when she wakes up and cries. It’s part of transitioning her slowly and gently out of our bed and into her own sleeping space.

Well, last night she remained in her bed the entire night without waking. It was magical. It was the first time in five years that I have slept in a bed without one of my babies (either in- or ex- utero).

Tonight she may wake again at 11 and need to cuddle. But we are on our way. Maybe if I can sleep better the pain in my body will leave me. The pain in my chest, my hip, my hands. Maybe the tension will lessen and fade a bit more.

The acupuncture certainly seems to be helping, though I’ve only just begun with that. The day after my last appointment I felt great for the first time in weeks. I wish I could go thrice per week. But twice will definitely do for now.