mainstream

March 14, 2012 by Jane

We’ve been going to a “gymnastics” class on Tuesdays. It’s pretty much a bunch of two and three year olds running around like maniacs on the various stations: balance beam, rope swing, tumbling mats, and a short bar to swing on.

Freya is the only girl. I assumed a gymnastics class would be full of little girls, but no. So, it’s a bunch of screaming boys, all older and bigger then her, running and jumping and launching themselves over things and crying and having tantrums. It’s great. Freya is funny; whenever a boy is having some kind of meltdown, she just watches him quietly with this look on her face of curiosity. She has never behaved like that in public (yeah I know, wait for three).

Anyway there’s this one mom and little boy there who have quite a contentious relationship. He’s probably three and very high energy. He screams “NO” at her a lot, and isn’t very interested in taking turns on the equipment. Every time, this results in mom dragging him over to the chairs for a time out, where he sobs and she doesn’t touch him and just tells him how bad he is. Then by the end of class, usually he has some other kind of tantrum over something, and I get to overhear the mom listing off the punishments he has coming, no TV (or more specifically this week, no TV in the car), etc.

It’s hard for me to watch and overhear this going on every time. I feel bad for this little boy. He needs to be hugged, he needs someone to tell him his feelings are being heard and understood, that sometimes it’s hard to learn how to share. He needs some empathy and compassion, instead he gets threats and frequent time outs. I understand that it’s hard when kids are at that age. Freya is not perfect (no one is); she has her moments when she chases the cat or throws her toys or cries because she’s busy with something and we decide it’s time to do something else. But when these things happen and we aren’t pleased with her behavior, we keep our voices calm, explain what she is doing that is not okay, or redirect her to something else. I want her to know she has boundaries, but she will also be respected, and listened to. Toddlers just do not handle their emotions the way we do.

I can’t articulate this all as well as others could. I just know it’s hard for me to watch a three-year-old kid being continually punished in this way. I’m sure it’s always been this way for him, and it won’t change. The mom is pregnant as well, a little behind me. She has already decided on a repeat c-section, based on some advice she got somewhere, not on any kind of medical need. She’s the norm, she is mainstream parenting in America.

My friends who practice natural/attachment parenting have, in general, the most calm, polite, and friendly children I know. They have creative solutions to tantrums and meltdowns. It is so, so important. We are raising future adults, right? We want more nice, loving, compassionate people in the world. It sounds like hyperbole, I know, but it really does start at birth.

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mommy milk

March 14, 2012 by Jane

Last night Freya and I were laying in bed and she said, “Is there any mommy milk?” She last nursed on Christmas day.

We stopped because pregnancy was causing excruciating pain when she nursed, as well as a lowered supply. Also we were at the point where she only nursed to go to bed, which is perfectly fine and natural for a two-year-old, and I suspect that had I not become pregnant, we might even still be nursing once a day. It’s a wonderful way to relax and connect and she of course was still getting some benefits from my immunity (her first real cold occurred last month).

I said, no, there isn’t any mommy milk right now. Freya then told me that when the baby comes, she will share the mommy milk with her. I smiled, wondering if it’s possible that she could restart. Latching is a skill though, and after seven months, it’s unlikely she’ll be able to do it again.

I really loved nursing with her and I’m so grateful that I will have the chance to breastfeed another baby. The difference will be profound. I have two years of experience now. Before I had Freya, I thought I might do it for a year, then “wean her.” Now I know I will nurse this baby for a minimum two years, then stop when she is ready to stop, which could be a year after that, who knows. But I won’t get pregnant again, so this time it will look different when it’s time to stop.

Grateful to give this gift to my daughters, and to myself too. Four to five years of breastfeeding for me means healthier boobs and drastically lowered cancer risk. And it means the same for my girls, too. Amazing.

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sweet

March 14, 2012 by Jane

Freya sits on her potty chair, holding her big teddy bear in her lap. “I’ve got you, I’ve got you,” she says soothingly, over and over.

She carries the bear to our leather ottoman, then finds her yellow baby blanket and spreads it over the bear, tucking her in. Lately she has been all about tucking in her dolls under blankets, and also sleeping under blankets herself for the first time (she always hated covers before).

I just love watching her play gently with her dolls, talking softly to them. She’s become such a sweet little girl.

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winter continues

March 14, 2012 by Jane

The dog started barking at quarter to two this morning, waking me up from a dream. She went back to sleep, but I was awake for over three hours. I really don’t know when I went back to sleep, but it was close to 5am I think.

Heartburn has been terrible. Stabbing pain under my ribs, always at night. I’ve been taking Zantac but I don’t think it’s doing anything. I can’t sleep sitting up because it hurts my tailbone and Freya wouldn’t stand for it either, she likes being cuddled to sleep, and unfortunately laying on my side produces the worst pain. So I suck it up and deal.

Then I lay on my back and feel baby kick me gently. I haven’t had time to really sit with her and connect the way I did with Freya. I now have a two-year-old who needs much of my attention, so while I do notice the baby inside, it’s not like we have long stretches of time to just sit and think, like I did when I was commuting long ago.

Today the weather is grim and cold and awful, again. Snow with no hope of accumulation, so no fun at all. The weather, hormones, darkness, etc, are all making me feel lonely. Doesn’t seem to be much I can do about any of it. Freya makes me happy always, though, and so does Brian. So grateful to have my little family.

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slacker

March 13, 2012 by Jane

I seriously need to update my blog regularly again, especially as I am pregnant and have a lot going on and as soon as my new daughter arrives (yes, it’s a girl!) it’s not like I’ll have time anymore for a while with two little ones to care for full time. Though I know I can knock something out in five spare minutes… Also I think my stuff is better served here than on Facebook, where most of the time I feel like I am just talking to myself.

So, hi. Sorry for the absence. I will try to do better. Can you believe I used to update this daily?? Wow.

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VBAC

December 12, 2011 by Jane

Last night I was awake in bed, as insomnia is part of pregnancy, and I started to visualize the way I want the birth of my next child to proceed. I tried to picture it all, including the pain, perhaps the uncertainty, but also the carrying on, and then the pushing. I saw myself perhaps squatting on the bed as I delivered the baby. I imagined the huge rush of relief and triumph and ecstasy. I had the tiny newborn on my chest, asking that the nurses not clean the baby, or do any other unnecessary meddling, until we had a good long while to lay there together, skin to skin. I wondered if I kept doing this visualization, if it would leave me with less doubt when the day actually comes.

You see, because of the way everything went with Freya, I am unfortunately saddled with the notion that my reproductive system is incapable of handling its most basic duties. For years, we were unable to conceive on our own and required medical intervention to get pregnant. Then her placenta was somewhat abnormal, with the cord inserted on the side rather than in the center. Then I went all the way to 42 weeks without ever going into active labor or dilating past 4 cm. Then the induction failed, then Freya had heart decelerations, then I had a c-section. A doctor was required for us to conceive, and then for her to be born. My body failed (WELL except for the perfect healthy beautiful girl it created).

Of course, ever since then, I have been trying to prove that story wrong. After a very rough start and a lot of determination, I breastfed Freya for over two years — the first eight months of which pretty much exclusively. She has never tasted a drop of formula. So, my body more than did her job there.

Then somehow, we conceived again completely on our own in October. No fertility clinic or tests or catheters for this one. It happened the way it’s supposed to — by chance, in our home. Maybe that’s why it doesn’t feel as real yet?

So this time is different. It has to be. I will fight hard to avoid another abdominal surgery. The exact same rules will apply this time: it won’t happen unless someone is in real peril. I understand that to have my VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean), I will need to be extremely well-informed, prepared, confident, positive, and so on. I will be up against a medical profession that will view me as an accident waiting to happen, and possibly as a troublemaker for not just scheduling the c-section like every other woman they see who has already had one. Sorry, but for me, the risks and downsides of another surgery FAAAR outweigh the extremely remote risks of VBAC.

If I were a true badass, I would just go for a homebirth and not have to worry at all about the fight I am in for with the hospital staff. But I can’t deny I am still a bit traumatized by what happened with little unborn Freya, hearing those heart tones drop.

So I will do everything I can to just make sure that Brian and I retain as much power as we can, and hope and hope and hope that my body follows through this time, that labor begins naturally at home, progresses toward the finish line, and lets me push my baby out.

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seven weeks

November 13, 2011 by Jane

Having a shitty cold at the same time one gets pregnant kind of complicates things, makes pregnancy symptoms harder to distinguish, and all around sucks. But this cold seems to FINALLY, after four weeks, be leaving me.

Also getting pregnant at the onset of winter kinda sucks too — it’s dark and cold and damp and bleh and having no energy already is not helped by the season at all. I imagine things would be lots more motivating if it was 80 degrees out and I could take a nice walk or sit outside. That said, the flipside is a lovely back half of the pregnancy spent in spring and early summer — that will be very nice indeed. AND having a newborn all summer instead of all winter will also be excellent. With Freya born at the end of October, I basically hibernated with her throughout her “fourth trimester.” (The fourth trimester is a baby’s first three months or so of life, when they are not yet fully in the world and are happiest when their environment closely resembles the womb, thus the swaddling, babywearing, and attachment to mama at all times.)

It hasn’t totally sunk in yet, but once I feel the first kick, in seven or eight weeks time, I will begin to get to know this baby. I feel that I already am showing, which is to be expected for a second — the skin, muscles, and uterus have been pre-stretched so easily pop back out at the slightest provocation. Also, there’s bloating, and, pre-pregnancy, I was kind of had my little pot tumtum anyways. Now it’s just rounder, and getting steadily firmer. I already want maternity jeans. The open fly and bella band are a drag, and I can’t wear dresses all the time in winter.

Freya has learned to say “Mommy is having another baby in her tummy!!” It is really cute, even though I’m sure she doesn’t really know what she is saying. But I remind her of it a lot, and as the baby grows and she gets more and more understanding, I will talk to her about the baby, take her to my appointments, and let her feel my belly, so that she is prepared and excited for the new addition.

To be honest I am still kind of freaking out and I probably will until the day the new baby arrives. A part of me honestly believed I might never get pregnant again, so I was ready for a life with an only child. Now I must figure out how I will handle a toddler and a baby, how we will get through the day (and night). I envy my friends and their big, close families. We will largely be on our own for this. Thank goodness for those aforementioned friends, who are endlessly supportive and understanding.

Speaking of, my friend Rachel gave birth today to her second daughter. It was a relatively short labor, though I don’t know any other details. She now has a newborn and a nearly 3-year-old, the same boat I will be in next summer. Rachel is incredibly strong, resourceful, and kind. She is awe-inspiring, actually. I know she will be an amazing mother of two, and as she still has her youth, will likely try for a third at some point.

I feel overwhelmed by the thought, but I am also excited and know what I am getting myself into. The baby years will be exhausting and tough, but they pass quickly. I will try to stay positive, to have fun, and above all else, be as patient as I can possibly be.

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haunted room

November 6, 2011 by Jane

Early this morning Kona woke up from a bad dream howling. She also woke the rest of us up of course. I got down beside her in the dark bedroom, hugging and soothing her as she whimpered and cried, poor pup. I could hear Freya talking to Brian, “what’s Kona doing?”

When Kona went back to her bed, I returned to my spot next to Freya, who was of course now awake. She asked for mommy milk. My supply has plummeted since I became pregnant, so we are, sadly, slowly weaning now. No milk at night anymore. I tried to change the subject a bit, and asked if she wanted to hear about the dream I just had.

I dreamed I was sleeping in a room in a house somewhere. I woke up and went to the door, and was surprised to see that it had been locked from the inside with a chain latch. I hadn’t locked it though, and there was no one else with me. I left the room and went down to where other people were. I explained the strange occurrence. In my dream, it was two in the morning and everyone was still up.

I went back to the room and started to open the door. But it felt like there was something in the way, pushing against the door from the other side. I kept pushing and then looked for what was blocking the door, but there was nothing there. I was freaked out, and left again. I went back downstairs and told the people that my room was haunted. But then I had to go up there one last time to get my phone. I went inside and started typing a message on my phone to someone, but then felt a strange presence behind me that was so spooky I just dropped the phone and hurried away. I decided I would sleep on the hide-a-bed sofa, and made some lame joke about “where did they hide the bed?”

I told this dream to Freya, and she replied with “Again?” which is what she often says when we read her books. I should make up stories for her more often.

After that it was time to try to get her to sleep. She suddenly became extremely cuddly, giving hugs and “I love you”s to me and Brian, then finally snuggling tightly to me and slipping off to sleep again.

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here we go again!

November 6, 2011 by Jane

I’ve had this shitty cold for like three weeks, though it seems to now finally be fading. Last week, in the throes of snot and fatigue and coughing (which synced up perfectly with Freya’s birthday, a visit from her Grandma Sandy, and Halloween) I started feeling sick in my stomach, too. I attributed it to the ocean of phlegm I was unfortunately ingesting. Yeah, I know, gross.

Then one morning I woke up early, felt so nauseous and hungry I immediately began eating crackers. At 5am. Later I went downstairs to get my usual cup of coffee and found myself completely ambivalent about it. I figured that maybe it had something to do with my cold, but at this point I was also kind of in denial.

You see, for a few weeks now, whenever Freya has latched on to nurse, it has hurt like HELL. Like we just started for the first time. I was accustomed to a mild form of this around my period, but it didn’t let up. Then, the day my period was supposed to start, it was just a light spotting, and done. Definitely odd.

So at long last on Wednesday afternoon, I peed on a stick. I fled the bathroom and sat nervously on the couch, not sure what exactly I wanted to see, though I already was about 90% sure of the result. I crept back in to check five minutes later and there it was. Positive. I am pregnant.

Prior to my first pregnancy, we tried for over three years to conceive naturally, and finally succumbed to mildly invasive fertility treatments in order to have Freya. I was convinced that I am infertile for whatever reason, and might end up with a single child, though I knew I always wanted two. So this was a shock. It happened easily, less than a year after I started menstruating again following the first pregnancy, and happened on the very first occasion that Brian and I were together during what was (obviously) a “risky” (or fertile) time.

Of course I must remain cautiously optimistic for the next five to seven weeks. But so far, I feel pretty darn pregnant, continuously nauseous and unbelievably tired. This time will be different though. There will be no getting up at 6am every day, trying to avoid puking, and commuting for two hours each way to my office job. There will be no desperation 3pm candy bars because I am stuck at my desk and already ate the snacks I brought from home. There will be no running to catch a ferry or a bus. I can sleep in. I can have healthy food all day. And best of all: I have found a beautiful amazing network of mama friends to give me companionship and support that was sadly lacking the first time around. Plus, I have something else I didn’t have before: experience and confidence.

Doing it while caring for my toddler will be a challenge, but Freya is the light of my life and a joy to be around. I can’t wait to share this with her. I can’t wait to give her the sibling I always wanted to give her.

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autumn

October 19, 2011 by Jane

It has been a perfect October so far, I hope that our indian summer holds out for two more weeks. Yesterday was positively balmy, the sun shining extra-bright from its position low in the sky. We went downtown to enjoy the weather in the afternoon, met up with Evan and Christina and let the two kids play together for a while. It felt like this was what April and May should have been like.

But it’s still crispy cool in the morning and evenings. Last night I made slow-cooked pulled pork for dinner, which Freya thoroughly enjoyed, requesting “more meat” over and over, my little carnivore. And this morning I have prepared a big pot of oatmeal with cinnamon and apples on the stove, which she also loves. A year ago I was so distressed that my baby showed so little interest in solid food. All she needed was time and more teeth.

Brian’s mom is coming for a visit in one week. That is going to be great, and very busy. We will make it out to the pumpkin patch once more. Freya loved the hay bale maze and the draft horses and looking at the chickens. I plan to take her on the horse cart ride around the farm (it’s not too long so she will love it), and get myself a Mexican hot chocolate.

We are looking to join a new gym that has opened in town. It’s very small compared to our previous gym, the SF YMCA, but also lots cheaper. I’m doing the free trial right now. Exercise equipment sure has changed in four years. Each treadmill comes with a personal TV, hooked up to satellite service. I really need to remember earphones next time. Running on a treadmill is extremely dull, so in this case, television is key. It also takes the mind off of the constant OH MY GOD AM I DONE YET HOW MUCH LONGER?? voice in my head.

Okay, 8:00, should probably go get my little girl up. Bye!

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