melting

October 8, 2011 by Jane

I lay in bed with Freya early this morning, nursing her back to sleep in the dark. She had an arm and a leg thrown across me as usual. My plan was to delatch her and then go down and pour my cup of coffee. It was almost 7.

Still asleep, she delatched herself. “I wuv you,” she said softly. Then went back to her milk. “I love you too, honey,” I replied, kind of in awe.

Sigh!

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day off

September 30, 2011 by Jane

Tomorrow I’m going to Seattle by myself for the first time since I gave birth to Freya almost two years ago. I’m pretty excited. My plan is a little shopping, and going to see Moneyball. That’s another thing, seeing a movie in a theater by myself, I haven’t done that since we moved to WA, so like over four years ago. And Brian and I have only been to the movies together once since Freya was born. It’s been a long road. But I don’t rejoice at the chance to be away from my baby, I love all the time we’ve gotten to spend together. In fact, she has spent the majority of every single day of her entire life with one person: me. And tomorrow, we’ll be apart for four or five hours.

She will be with her daddy of course. They might go to Seattle, too, and I will think about her and probably fret a little. Can’t help it, it’s a big crowded place and she is just a little boo. I’ll insist she is in her stroller, and not permitted to walk on the sidewalk yet. I don’t think that’s unreasonable for a baby who isn’t even two and still falls down and can’t walk up and down steps yet. Being in a big mass of people is overwhelming enough as it is, why make it worse having to navigate amongst them with short and uncoordinated legs?

Yeah. So clearly I’ll be checking in a lot. Maybe I will sit in the back row at the movie so no one is bothered by the light of my phone? Though it’s more likely I’ll just sneak into the lobby a few times.

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smile

September 26, 2011 by Jane

She will be two in a month. Two years have passed, seemingly quickly and yet it is hard to imagine a time when she wasn’t with us. Our old lives. It has felt like a long time, too.

Freya will reach the age of two and have no idea what Disney is, or what McDonald’s is. She has never eaten candy or swallowed soda pop. She hasn’t yet seen Blue’s Clues or Dora the Explorer or a Pixar movie. She does enjoy listening to the Beatles and Spoon and Coldplay, and knows what baseball and hockey look like, and can sing the Jeopardy! and Sesame Street theme songs, so it’s not like she’s completely isolated.

Anyhoo. Today it rained all day long, so we put on rubber boots and her sweet new denim jacket and ran errands, then danced around on the porch for the benefit of my camera since I found her outfit to be so ridiculously adorable.

I’ve started planning her little party. Autumn leaves, and colors, and miniature pumpkins, and gold glitter, apple cider, leaf-shaped cookie cutters, that’s what I’ve got so far. Her birthday is so close to Halloween, I don’t want her to be stuck with some kind of Halloween-themed birthday party, unless that’s what she wants. Her costume for that day has been chosen — she will be a cute little wood sprite, complete with wings and a tutu, and not a stitch of pink to be found.

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music class

September 13, 2011 by Jane

Summer’s nearly over. But I love fall, a REAL fall, with colored leaves and crisp air and a few sunny days. Sweaters, boots, coats, scarves, and no more sunscreen (except on the face). Plus it means that Freya’s second birthday will soon be here.

I look forward to her third year, when she will begin to master the language, and master the coordination she needs to properly explore the world. Recently we’ve started removing the baby gates that confined her, and letting her run around downstairs, supervised of course. The supervision does get a little exhausting, but it’s so good for her to expand her territory.

She has expanded her vocabulary a lot, started experimenting with “it” and “a” and “the” a little bit. I love being her English teacher. My student is fortunate to be learning in total immersion, of course.

Yesterday we started attending a music class together. It’s a ten-week course, full of singing and free play and little musical instruments. Freya is not yet at and age where she will reliably sit still for extended periods, so she did wander around a bit, but everyone understood, and she had a great time, loved every minute of it. She is already very musical, and likes to sing songs and hear music in the car or at home with me in the morning.

Also she has started sleeping more soundly at night, sometimes without waking at all. I am glad that we reached this point together peacefully and naturally, and that there was no sleep training or forced crying or other methods that I am just not comfortable with, and that’s putting it mildly. Let’s put it this way: it is *not normal* for small infants to sleep through the night. They have a biological imperative to wake to feed, and to wake for safety. It’s part of their brain development. It can be “trained” out of them, yes. But we listened to our instincts, and learned about the negative impact of altering a baby’s natural sleep patterns, and chose to do it this way. Yes, I woke frequently with my baby. And that sucked sometimes. But I put her first. And now she’s a sleepy little sleeper, and I hope that she remains that way throughout life, and isn’t burdened by the insomnia I have had for as long as I remember.

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fall clothes

August 25, 2011 by Jane

I took Freya shopping for clothes this week <3 . The first of many times I'm sure. We were looking for fall clothing in size 2T -- most of what she fits in right now is spring/summer size 18 months, and she's rapidly outgrowing it. We visited Target, Macy's, and Gymboree, and I am pretty sure everything I bought her was either on sale/clearance, or on the cheap side. I think the rest of her fall wardrobe will be purchased secondhand. Here are a few of the tops I found for her:

It was hard to get away from pepto pink and ugly, tacky polka dots on everything, but I think we did pretty well all things considered. One of the best shirts I found was a simple long sleeved top in a dark periwinkle blue. And the biggest change was that I didn’t purchase a single onesie.

Today is hot, tomorrow will be too. We’re headed to the county fair in the morning, where Freya will get to see cows and bunnies up close for the first time.

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light of my life

August 21, 2011 by Jane

Before Freya was born, I had almost zero experience with babies or small children. I don’t have younger siblings or close cousins, I didn’t babysit much and when I did, I didn’t enjoy it. I have never been the type who LOVES CHILDREN, etc. But I knew it would be different when I had my own. I think I’m kind of like Miranda on “Sex and the City”, who seems very un-motherly until, that is, her own child is born.

What I didn’t know was how much I would change when it comes to my view on children. I still don’t love all kids I meet or melt every time I’m around a toddler. That’s probably part of my own childhood detachment disorder, which I continue to rebuild daily with Freya.

But being around her… wow. It really can make a bad day better. Hearing her voice, feeling her tiny hand gently rub my arm, watching her run around with Kona, laughing with delight… makes me wonder how anyone doesn’t feel this lift in their soul when they are with their own children. Yes, she can be frustrating sometimes and she does throw food on the floor and color on the furniture with her crayons and so on, but those are tiny, minor complaints that are lost among all the great times we have together and all the joy and fulfillment I experience in watching her grow and learn.

And so I am transformed from a person who used to either not “see” children in my environment, and perhaps be a little irritated by them (though I know more recently that was part of my intense jealously that others could get pregnant and I could not), into a mother who wants to be around her own daughter every day and every night, to give her everything she needs, to help her every time she asks, to play with her and engage with her at every opportunity. I’m not grossed out by her poops or her snot or her ear wax. I don’t resent her for being the reason I gave up my job and my fancy lifestyle. She has been completely worth it to me.


Yesterday in Sequim at Dungeness Spit

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sharing the bed

August 19, 2011 by Jane

Babies are not meant to sleep alone.

In fact, I don’t think humans are really meant to sleep alone in general, but ESPECIALLY babies.

Adults, well, some of us like to share the bed but not cuddle (too hot), but I guess what we like is just knowing our partner is there. Nearby. Within arm’s reach.

Of course, snoring or sleep disorders/insomnia can mess that up. But some believe that sleep disorders are actually formed in infancy. When the baby is forced to sleep alone. Forced to sleep through the night too early. The natural sleep rhythms of the brain are forever lost. I have never been a very good sleeper. I don’t go to sleep when my head hits the pillow, like Brian does.

I love to cuddle my baby girl. I am preparing her to sleep on her own, but with a solid sense that I am there for her, just a few steps away. When she goes to her own room, I know there will be many nights when I will lay there next to her in her bed, and then stealthily creep away.

And then someday in the future, she will find someone to share a bed with, and hopefully it will be associated with positive feelings for her and restful nights. And I believe that one day, she will sleep next to her own babies, too.

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goodnight milk

August 18, 2011 by Jane

Decided to work on night weaning with earnest last night. Freya is almost 22 months old and I know she is nursing at night now out of habit rather than need. She can still nurse during the day of course, but we need to start focusing on other ways of getting back to sleep, which I know she is now capable of. So I prepared myself for tears and possibly a tantrum.

We went to sleep around 9:30 or so. Then of course Brian comes in at like one in the morning, waking me out of a sound sleep. I had to move over, which meant waking Freya. I was too tired to deal with weaning at that second, so I just let her nurse for a few minutes back to sleep. Then I lay there for who knows how long trying to get back to sleep myself.

Freya wakes again at maybe 5:00, I’m not sure as I couldn’t see the clock. “Mommy milk?” she began to say repeatedly. “Nigh-night, baby,” I replied. I then explained that mommy milk went night night and would be back in the morning. She cried, and I rubbed her back. She was very persistent, but so was I. I decided to take her mind off of it.

“Let’s talk about something else,” I said. “What does an owl say?”
“Hoo hoo hoo,” said Freya.
“Do you remember the bunny we saw at the park?”
“Bunny go woods!” she replied. The bunny we saw yesterday hopped into the woods, which provoked much conversation.
“Do you like the moon?”
“Good night, moon,” said Freya.
“Yes, good night moon, and good night Freya.”
Then we had to say goodnight to everyone in the house of course.

She cuddled up next to me and was quiet for a moment. Was she really over it so quickly? Because there have been nights when I’ve denied her milk and she has positively freaked out. After a while she spoke up again.

“Goodnight nursing. Goodnight mommy milk. Goodnight mommy.”

I about fainted from the cute, and gave her a kiss. It still took her a while to fall asleep. She said she needed mommy’s hand or mommy’s arm, so still wanted that close contact, which is just fine as long as I can find a position that doesn’t put my limbs to sleep. Finally she was out, and the sun was rising. I think I slept a while longer, but then it was seven, so I got up to make coffee.

I am so sore from yesterday’s workout, as I knew I would be. It’s nice to have my own live-in personal trainer, but god it can be quite punishing, too. But I need to stick with it. I saw some pics of myself that were taken yesterday in the yard when Freya and I were painting the playhouse, and I look like such a slob. Ugh. I seem to recall a time when I didn’t mind having my photo taken, but now I absolutely hate 99% of all pictures taken of me.

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personal time

August 17, 2011 by Jane

Last weekend, my good friend Christina offered to take Freya for three hours to play at her house with her son, Evan. The big day arrived yesterday, and at nine o’clock I dropped my daughter off for her morning of fun.

The first thing I did was to drive to the local high school track. I jogged two continuous laps, then walked about 1/4 lap, then jogged another two laps, then cooled down for a total of a mile and a quarter, a mile of which was running. I was extremely proud of this achievement. My problem with running has always been endurance. I recall trying to run on this very track almost exactly nine years ago, still in my 20s, and finding it a huge effort just to complete even one quarter-mile lap, and feeling like I was dying at the end. For whatever reason, it was a piece of cake this time. Which shows me that running is 50% mental. I really believed I could do it, and then I did it. The weather was perfect, too. Each time I came around the backstretch I was greeted by a panorama of crisp, clear, snow-covered mountains on the horizon.

Then I went home, showered (bliss!), and dressed. I headed outdoors again, this time to my town’s little downtown, where I am usually found with a stroller. This time I just had my handbag on my shoulder, containing Desert Solitaire by Edward Abbey. I bought an iced Americano and sat down at a table in the coffee shop to read. I found myself frequently distracted, as I am not used to this sort of thing as I once was, and I kept thinking about Freya. But I did get through one magnificent, lyrical chapter of the book. And I sat there at my sidewalk table, looking around at the people passing, taking it easy, feeling the breeze on my legs, remembering how much I used to do this back in 2007, when we first moved here and I was without a job. But then it was Fall, cold, and I sat indoors and wrote in a journal and drank my coffee from a mug.

I got up to wander Front Street and window shop for a while. Nothing much interested me. I did buy some treats for Christina as a thank you. And before long it was noon, and I headed back to her house to get my baby. I walked inside and could hear them playing in the back bedroom. Freya heard me come in, and hurried into the room. “Mommy!” she said, and walked into my arms for a hug. Sweetness. Then of course she wanted to play some more. 🙂

Christina has offered to make this a once weekly date. Having these three simple hours alone filled my cup more than I thought it would, and the reunion with Freya at the end was just as I’d hoped. She wasn’t upset that I was gone so long — she is very used to this family and has been to their house dozens of times. She’s a pretty confident, secure, and well-attached girl. But she also loves her mommy, and was excited to tell me about all the things they did while I was away. I’m so proud of her.

So next time, I think I should work on my book. And I also am going to avoid the temptation to do housework on these afternoons. Maybe big room organization projects, sure, but no doing the dishes or vacuuming, etc. This is supposed to be personal time for me, something I no longer take for granted.

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body thing

August 13, 2011 by Jane

I’m not pleased to learn that I’ve apparently gained ten pounds in the past year. Facebook reminded me of an update exactly one year ago, when I proudly crowed about being two pounds from my goal weight, which has always been about 120, and now I know I’m over 130, which on a short chick like me really shows. Ugh.

Of course a year ago we walked every day. Now we do more together, Freya and I, but it’s not as focused on my exercise as it is on hers. And I haven’t been following a healthy eating plan as I’d hoped to in the spring. I’m still not eating fast food or junk, but I’m also still consuming too many empty carbs. Alas.

And I feel quite defeated about this. It seems like even knowing what I need to do is not nearly enough, because I can’t follow through. There isn’t time to run. I can’t manage a good meal plan longer than a week or two. Brian wants donuts and pizza. I feel utterly helpless.

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