I barely have time to brush my teeth twice a day, so why expect I’ll have time to write regularly? But I need to. I am going through so much these past five weeks. My day is being cut into these two-hour segments that break up the start of feeding times. A feeding starts, finishes 40 minutes later, then I have about an hour and 20 minutes or so to get anything done before the next feeding starts. What this means is that I really have no time to do anything outside the house, like going shopping or running other errands (or having any fun), unless I want to extend the time between feedings. Which I did today because I had to get out of the goddamn house. Freya and I went to the store. She rides in her Beco carrier and falls right to sleep.

She has been sleeping plenty. Her active time seems to run from the late afternoon til about midnight or 1am. Yes, this blows. I am exhausted. Luckily when she goes to sleep at 1am, she stays asleep. Except that I need to get her up at about 4am to eat and I hate disturbing my precious angel, plus I am so fucking tired I’d rather stay asleep, too.

It sucks. Sigh. This is really hard. Breastfeeding is still presenting challenges. Still having pain, and still do not own a good supporting nursing bra. I always loved having small boobs, and now I remember why.

The other night at around 10:30 Brian took Freya and told me to go to bed. He stayed downstairs with her and watched TV. I got to be alone in my bed for the first time in over a month. It was magical. I went to sleep for almost two whole hours. Then I woke up at midnight, and went down to feed her again.

I love my baby so much and I am determined not to give up on breastfeeding. But I now understand people who do. It’s so hard to get used to. My boobs hurt almost all the time, they are so heavy now. My nipples, while not cracked or bleeding, still hurt like hell and are unbelievably sensitive. I run my hand under cold water and my nipples scream. The one on the right is flatter than the one on the left, and I need to use a plastic shield so that Freya can nurse from that side more effectively. I don’t understand why they aren’t both the same shape and size. But they have been through hell over the last five weeks, so deformity is to be expected I guess.

Freya is going to be five weeks old tomorrow. She is amazing. She is beautiful and gaining weight and healthy and is bonding more and more with us every day. She now smiles, holds eye contact, and makes incredibly cute vocalizations. I love watching her grow and develop into a little person. She has a ways to go yet. These connections we are now making are kind of a payoff for the weeks of feeling like she didn’t know or care who we were.

I have a lot more to say but guess what, time to feed my daughter, and myself. That’s another area in which I am faltering. Also: housework. I want to get to the point where the baby can sit in her bouncer for extended periods (30 minutes at least), sleeping or whatever (not crying — I do not let her sit and cry), so that I can wash dishes or make lunch or pick up debris around the house. It’s very hard watching the house slide into disarray. Makes me wonder why I spent all that time nesting and making our home clean and perfect only to watch it crumble within hours of her arrival.

Well, Brian “gives” me an hour off a night (ooh! a whole HOUR!) so I hope I can use some of the time for writing stuff down. This newborn time is such a blur that I know I will forget most of it within a few months. It’s only December and I am already longing, aching for spring to arrive…